Daniel Day-Lewis vs. Miz Moffatt

So, tomorrow is the 24th birthday of a near and dear friend of mine. Despite the fact she's trapped over on the Scottish moors, toiling away at various essays focused on medieval, apocalyptic literature, I still have the means to celebrate with her via the Interwebz.

Note: This is the same companion I built the epic, sprawling Harem joke with in the first place. Hence this comic.

Additional Note: Daniel Day-Lewis holds a unique status in Chantal's Harem in that he cannot be contained by the parameters of the Harem. Instead, he sails to the villa in a haze of mist and settles in for as much time as he needs. He is responsible for reminding the members of Chantal's Harem how to treat a lady. And he also chops all our firewood for the year. And he also gives me some tips on how to be cooler and how to please the lady types. Later on and unannounced, Mr. Day-Lewis disappears into the fog once again to travel the world and find exotic gifts for Chantal.

Check it:

(Click for the total Day-Lewis/Moffatt Experience)

In total, the comic clocks in at 27 pages. See that? She's born on the 27th, there's 27 pages. Wild, eh? I didn't even plan for that to happen. I'm just brilliant like that.

I wonder if I should share some of the other panels. The first half deals with her Harem's usual arguments and inner tensions, the latter half deals with Daniel Day-Lewis tutoring me as best he can. Perhaps I should make conversations with celebrities a new feature here at Cute, Queer, Canadian. I quite like 'em and it's fun to add some photo flair. Hmm....

I'm so excited to send this to her. I know she's going to flip (in the best way possible). This weekend is going to be an epic one, I can sense it.

Fine with "Nine"

First order of business: Check out Nine with Chantal before she heads back to Scotland. I am glad to declare the mission was accomplished with great vigour and much drool on both of our parts.

I knew we would stake out cinema seats for this film the moment I hit "Play" on the Internet trailer months ago.

To start, Chantal is dedicated to Mr. Daniel Day-Lewis. When it comes to Harem hierarchy, he holds a golden place in her ranks. See, he doesn't have an official title within the Harem Proper -- no. He cannot be contained by the standard Harem rules. Instead, Mr. Day-Lewis sails to our villa where he chops firewood and instructs the members of Chantal's Harem on important issues like wooing a lady (and yeah, I occasionally ask for lessons, too. Hey, gotta stay sharp for the women of my Harem.) He travels with the wind and the fog, similar to Johnny Depp and the Irish river folk of Chocolat.

Anyway, I am rambling now.

Of course, the second reason to catch this film: Um, well, you saw that poster, right? Who needs to visit the concession stand with that much eye candy sprinkled throughout the film?

I know, I know -- I'm offline for all of two weeks and the first two posts back showcase my inklings toward all things debauch. What? There are sparkle-infused women belting out musical numbers like Sirens and compelling me to Be Italian and seduce them all. I am only one woman, I can't resist this.

Now, all that gushing aside, I did have certain issues with the film. Or, rather, I guess the plot. I admire Daniel Day-Lewis and I love the women featured in this film -- but, well, I'm getting tired of the whole one man + five trillion women flicks. Yes, I get it -- straight men are given the spotlight AND the bevy of women who should be unattainable to them but the script tells these ladies to throw themselves at him.

Yawn.

Show me something I haven't seen before.

Now, Daniel Day-Lewis is suave and commands quite a bit of respect from me, so I had an easier time suspending my usual irritation for this film. But still, it's frustrating for a single gay girl to watch, especially when she tends to fail at A) Meeting other queer girls and B) Convincing other queer girls that she is attractive and dateable.

But, I digress.

I think the greater part of this film's target audience was more than likely looking forward to one particular scene. If I mention Penelope Cruz, I imagine the first image to slide its way into your mind is this one:

And OH, GIRL -- I don't remember breathing throughout her number. In fact, I don't even recall blinking, either. Once I regained consciousness, I wondered how on EARTH the crew managed to hold it together during filming. Serious, I even wonder how the movie screen and the DVD did not spontaneously combust as a direct result of this dance. It's so odd because I never quite took notice of Ms. Cruz prior to Nine. I was mistaken and I have corrected all former opinions.

Despite the utter hotness that was Penelope Cruz as the Mistress, I found myself drawn more toward the subdued and delicate presence of Marion Cotillard as Luisa Contini, Guido Contini's dejected wife. Even while her character was treated as a walking joke and was continually lied to by her husband, she carried herself with such elegance. Protective Moffatt kicked in quite a few times throughout the film and I was wanting to leap through the screen and whisk Ms. Cotillard away on a cute little Vespa. But alas -- I have yet to perfect the Film/Reality Transfer. *Pout*

I know I'm a touch biased here, but I would still recommend Nine to all the ladies out there. I might even have a new Harem addition here with Marion Cotillard -- if that's not proof enough for you to check the film out, then I don't know what is.

So Be Italian and show those ladies what's what!

Super Hot AND Super Heroine

Is there anything Alicia Keys cannot accomplish?

I mean, she's the golden child of the R'n'B crowd and continues to garner respect from a diverse group of musicians and music lovers alike; she dedicates time and funds to invaluable social causes across North America and the globe at large; and, as regular readers will note, she has achieved one of the most elite statuses within the Harem of Miz Moffatt.

And then, she releases a queertastic video experience for her latest single, "Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart."

I'm convinced she found out I was a lil' under the weather which led her to create this video:

Some general comments and first impressions:

• Purple, satin sheets --> *Drool*
• Is it just me, or did wardrobe intentionally dress her like a gay gal for the first part of this video? I mean, tank top: Check. Dog tags: Check. Rockin', studded jacket: Check. Aviators: Oh, sweet goodness, double check. Tough femmes -- you understand the attraction now, right?
• "Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? Well, you can try sleeping in my bed" -- No need to ask twice, ma'am.
• It is a little known fact that Ms. Keys possesses the power to bring creatures back from the dead. I know. Those fingers aren't just magical with the piano, you know.
• Oh, motorcycle. Again, anyone else seeing those queer connections? Yes? I mean, you just need to tell me she's co-writing a song with Tegan and Sara and my head will explode from it all.
• PURPLE UNITARD. BRAIN.... SHUTTING DOWN... CAN'T ...CONTINUE.... TO WRITE..... *Enters a lust-induced coma* The woman has kickin' curves, what can I say?
• Wow, tears that can crush glass? Awesome.

I know the video never adequately explains WHY Alicia Keys commands the Gift of Life. And it doesn't provide details about why she leaps on top of buildings (perhaps to amplify her voice?) but.... well, I don't care. It's implied she's a super heroine and she wears a skin-tight unitard. I don't need further explanation.

Though, I find the inspiration for her character to be intriguing. I mean, she's quite literally the love child of Rogue from X-Men and The Phantom. She got her inability to touch her lover (and thereby drain his life force) from Mama and she got her idea for the bright purple unitard from Papa. Makes perfect sense in a weird, "I don't want to think about this too deeply" kind of way.

Hmm. Whatev. I ask rhetorical questions to amuse myself. Really, I should just press "Repeat" on that embedded video up there.

I suggest you do the same.

No. 1: Natalie Portman

Name: Natalie Portman

Date of Birth: 9 June, 1981

Hometown: Jerusalem, Israel/New York City, New York

Selected Career Credits:

• New York, I Love You (2008)... Rifka ("Mira Nair")
• The Other Boleyn Girl (2008)... Anne Boleyn
• Paris, je t'aime (2006)... Francine ("Faubourg Saint-Denis")
• V for Vendetta (2005)... Evey
• Closer (2004)... Alice
• Garden State (2004)... Sam

Harem Role: Head of the Harem Proper/ Chief Launderer

***

And here she is, the Golden Child of the Harem Proper. At long last, after about... three weeks of my teasing, we have reached the absolute pinnacle of hotness (well, according to my preferences, of course) and she is -- Natalie Portman.

Think about it:

• Overflowing with a natural, effortless talent for the dramtic arts
• Balances eloquence and grace with an equally adorable nerdiness
• Put her career on hold to obtain a bachelor's degree in Psychology.... FROM HARVARD
• Is a high-profile vegetarian and is an outspoken advocate for animal rights
• Travelled to Uganda, Guatemala, and Ecuador as the Ambassador of Hope for FINCA International
• Oh, and -- SHE'S SMOKIN' HOT.

Can't forget that last one, you know. Serious, though -- she's the kind of girl that intimidates the HELL out of me... which only makes me love and adore her even more.

I can still pinpoint the exact moment I became infatuated with the lovely Ms. Portman. I was only 11-years-old, smack dab in the middle of the Awkward Years. I was given a subscription to Seventeen magazine and was excited each month to flip through the high-gloss pages and dream of the day when I would be a ~teenager~ at last. What a glorious notion at the time.

I remember unfurling one particular issue of Seventeen with a cover that would brand itself into my mind and lay the groundwork for my future Harem.

Ladies and... well, ladies -- it was this exact photo of Natalie Portman that found its way to my mailbox on that fateful afternoon:

I know -- it's a simple headshot of a girl who was not a star, not quite yet. But I remember being so taken with her when I first saw the image. I had that breathless moment, a moment 

amplified by the fact I was nowhere close to even being out to myself. I was debating if I should include this photo in this particular post -- I mean, she's a young'un in that picture and I wanted to celebrate Ms. Portman as she is here and now. But this photo reminds me of those early days of my own self-discovery and I see it as one of those important markers in my coming out process. 

I mean, with that kind of legacy, is it any wonder she's my go-to gal?

Since that single moment back in grade 6, Natalie Portman has managed to orbit around the most influential periods in my life. I watched her in the newer Star Wars flicks through the ups and downs of high school living; I saw Closer in theatres around the time I was first accepting my queerness; I watched Garden State at a Sunday night cinema with the two guys who would become my closest allies during my undergrad; I spent St. Patrick's Day in 2005 walking 2 and a half hours back from seeing V for Vendetta -- it also happened to be the same moment I realized my one real try at the hetero-lifestyle was not going to click, ever. 

It's like the universe was pointing a giant, glowing arrow at Natalie Portman and saying, "YOU ARE SO GAY, MIZ MOFFATT, JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY."

Haha, this is turning into quite the origin rant. I hadn't intended on that, honestly. But, I suppose that proves why Natalie Portman is the uncontested Queen of the Harem Proper.

Alright -- that's my ramblin' for this evening. I shall leave you with some Portman gems for you to glance over. Please, do revel in the wonder that is NP. 

 I vote she wears her hair short from now on... serious, now.

OHHHH, the pink wig....I'm surprised I was able to walk out of the theatre after seeing that film. All you need is Clive Owen out of the scene, and it's perfect. 

I defy you to watch this clip and NOT fall wildly in love with Natalie's darker side. I mean, look at her -- she's feisty, frenetic, and she's frontin' a group of lovely ladies. I swear, she is perfect... and also apparently badass.

I was an English major/history minor during my undergrad and, when I found this picture, my head nearly exploded across the reams and reams of lecture notes strewn about my room.

***

And thus concludes the epic profiles dedicated to the gorgeous, radiant women of Miz Moffatt's Harem. Stop by the villa sometime for a visit -- make sure to bring your Harem with you, too.

No. 2: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Name: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Date of Birth: 16 November, 1977

Hometown: Lower East Side, New York City, New York

Selected Career Credits:

• Away We Go (2009)... LN
• The Dark Knight (2008)... Rachel Dawes
• Stranger Than Fiction (2006)... Ana Pascal
• Paris, je t'aime (2006)... Liz ("Quartier des Enfants Rouge")
• SherryBaby (2006)... Sherry Swanson
• Mona Lisa Smile (2003)... Giselle Levy
• Secretary (2002)... Lee Holloway
• Donnie Darko (2001)... Elizabeth Darko

Harem Role: Second-in-Command; Qualification Camp and Re-Qualification Camp Trainer

***

How intense -- I've left you all waiting with bated breath for an ENTIRE WEEK before revealing the absolute top of the Harem Proper. I've been such a neglectful blogette, especially considering PRIDE WEEK HAS ALREADY STARTED IN TORONTO. *Confetti* Much to discuss, indeed. 

And what a place to start.

Maggie Gyllenhaal -- she's quite possibly one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood at the moment and yet she is utterly stunning in every role she takes on. She's got this quiet spark to her, a compelling little something extra that can't be explained and is absolutely gorgeous to see.

I first came across Ms. Gyllenhaal through her role as Giselle Levy in Mona Lisa Smile. I know, I know -- if you've seen and loved Dead Poets' Society (and yes, I fall into this category), then you probably viewed this film as the "less remarkable, clunky, all-girl version" of the original film. I admit, I was harsh on this film before I saw it. It was released during a period of time where uplifting, unconventional teacher archetypes seemed to be EVERYWHERE. My family put this movie on one day and I grudgingly watched it -- yet, I didn't expect to find one of the future elite members of the Harem Proper there.

From that moment, I understood the lure of the woman known as Maggles. Despite being trapped in a film with... *Shudder, shudder*... Kirsten Dunst.... Maggie Gyllenhaal was able to shine and rise above the ranks of her co-stars (and the lead stars themselves). All she had to do was give a quick line and an impish smile or two and I was pulled in.

For the rest of the world, I can count on Secretary being Ms. Gyllenhaal's breakthrough role. How could it not be? I mean, hey -- a film that portrays a healthy, mutually-fulfilling BDSM relationship is bound to turn a few heads, I would presume.

Hrrm, for some odd reason, I can't embed a clip from Secretary on this blog. In any case, here's a link to her character's 'awakening' of sorts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16ISnq5GfPA

Oh, to be James Spader. *Envious girl* And if that weren't enough to secure her place in the nighttime thoughts of queer girls everywhere, perhaps her classic, pin-up style photo shoot for Agent Provocateur will convince you.

How? How did one woman manage to condense all the world's allotted hotness into one series of photographs? I don't know that the question can ever be answered, really. Heck, I'm surprised I can still form grammatically correct sentences at this point in my post. I broke out the big guns for this one, can you tell? It's Pride week, we all deserve an extra bit of queer, I would argue.

I think the one part that amazes me the most about Maggie Gyllenhaal is her ability to inhabit a wide range of roles with complete ease. She can balance sweetness and masochism without batting a lash (well, that is, unless she's told to bat a lash). 

In 2006 alone, she starred in an indie film where she portrayed a drug-addict thief struggling to pull her life together in order to reconnect with her daughter; she played the self-assured, comedic love interest to Will Ferrell's Harold Crick in Stranger Than Fiction; and she added her name and talent to a collection of short, quirky films dedicated to the wonder that is Paris. 

And, I'm sure you noticed her in that small film released in 2008. What was it called again?..... OH! Oh, that's right, it was The Dark Knight. That's right, kids -- not only did she turn down Bruce Wayne/Batman on screen, she was the one character to make a stand against The Joker himself. Come on now, I know you remember that defiant pose she mustered up after The Joker crashed Bruce Wayne's shindig. Mmm hmm. And she even had the gumption to make a quick one-liner after plummeting from a penthouse suite and landing on a car. Too. Awesome.

Again, if these weren't compelling reasons to fall madly in love with Maggles, perhaps her impressive involvement with various social causes will win you over. I mean, check it:

• She's a supporter of Witness, a non-profit organization that uses video and online technologies to expose human rights violations
• She's helped raise funds for TrickleUp.org, a non-profit organization that helps impoverished people start up a micro-enterprise
• In October 2008, she hosted "Fashionably Natural," a fashion show presented by Gen Art and SoyJoy in Los Angeles (where four designers worked with all-natural, eco-friendly fabrics and materials).

I could literally go on for hours with how magnificent I find all aspects of Ms. Gyllenhaal to be. But, I know I ought to leave you some space to discover her on your own, too.

Maggles, you make the Harem Proper a shinier, more beautiful place. I only hope you can teach the neophytes to be just as overwhelmingly charming as you.

And because I love her SO, so much, here is a lovely clip from Stranger Than Fiction for your to enjoy.

No. 3: Alicia Keys

Name: Alicia Keys

Date of Birth: 25 January, 1980

Hometown: New York City, New York

Selected Career Credits:

Discography:

• As I Am (2007)
• Unplugged (2005)
• The Diary of Alicia Keys (2003)
• Songs in A Minor (2001)

Selected Film Roles:

• The Secret Life of Bees (2008)... June Boatwright
• The Nanny Diaries (2007)... Lynette
• Smokin' Aces (2006)... Georgia Sykes

Harem Role: Cultural Liason/ Villa Lounge Singer

***

You knew there had to at least be one singer to grace the Harem Proper. Though, Alicia Keys is most certainly NOT a 'one-trick pony' -- her stellar singing voice and accomplished song writing capabilities may have earned and secured her fame, but her compelling presence on the silver screen has earned Ms. Keys award nominations and critical recognition in the dramatic arts as well. 

And hey, you know me -- I love a multi-talented woman of the arts. *Cartoon-y hearts*

My courtship with Ms. Keys was a slow-build - a natural progression - until she made her way into the Harem Proper. I've always been one to watch music videos and critique their better points as well as their shortcomings and, since she first entered the realm of popular music, Alicia Keys consistently ranked in the upper echelons. 

I loved her with the tougher, no-nonsense image from her youth and I love her now with her ultra-femme, chanteuse image of today.

But that VOICE -- if there's one valuable bit of information you must learn about me, it is the fact that I am an absolute sucker for voices. I often find myself falling for alluring voices even before I find myself physically attracted to another person. 

And Ms. Keys proves the point tenfold.

She's got this small rasp and an almost smoky quality to her vocal tones that comes through in both her singing and her speaking voices. I swear, I could sit and listen to her sing the phonebook and I would be in complete heaven.

Case and Point: Alicia Keys singing "Every Little Bit Hurts" on her Unplugged album:

*Difficulty thinking straight* -- Ha, I just realized that statement is also quite the pun on my part. Alicia Keys makes it difficult for ANY girl to think "straight," I can assure you of that.

So there -- angelic voice? Check. Killer curves to set the world on fire? Check. Epic style that features in her videos and in her public appearances? Check.

While all of these qualities are delightful in their own right, I think one of the hottest traits about Ms. Keys is her philanthropist pursuits and her dedication to various socio-political groups across the globe. 

In particular, Alicia Keys is the co-founder and Global Ambassador of Keep A Child Alive, a non-profit organization that provides medicine to families with HIV and AIDS in Africa. In 2008, her efforts in countries including Uganda, Kenya, and South Africa were documented for the film Alicia in Africa: Journey to the Motherland.

In addition to her own organization, Alicia Keys has donated endless hours and quite a chunk of change over the past decade to a wide variety of social programs and events designed to improve the lives of individuals everywhere, including:

• Donating funds to Frum tha Ground Up, a non-profit organization that helps children and teens with scholarships
• Performing at the Live 8 concert in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to pressure G8 leaders to focus on issues of poverty within Africa
• Performing for ReAct Now: Music & Relief and Shelter from the Storm: A Concert for the Gulf Coast in 2005
• Performing at the American leg of the Live Earth concerts
• Participating in the Nobel Peace Prize Concert at the Oslo Spektrum in Oslo, Norway on December 11, 2007

... And the list goes on.

Bold. Talented. Gorgeous. And she's instilled with a powerful sense of social consciousness. 

Bestill my beating heart.

Welcome to the Harem Proper, Ms. Keys. I only hope my Spanish villa will be large enough to furnish your numerous pursuits with ease. 

No. 4: Kate Kelton

Name: Kate Kelton

Date of Birth: 20 June, 1978

Hometown: Bamberg, Germany/Toronto, Ontario

Selected Career Credits:

• The Museum (2008)... Abby
• The Last Woman on Earth (2006)... Hannah
• Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)... Christy
• Eden's Wake (2004)
• American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002)... Clara

Harem Role: Breath Refreshment Commandant

***

Ah, Kate Kelton -- the absolute darling of the small screen. All it takes is a coy wink or a tiny smirk and Miz Moffatt will purchase any product you tell her to.

And I tell you, I've never desired breath mints so intensely in all my life.

To most, Ms. Kelton will forever be known by her unofficial moniker -- "Tic Tac Girl." As the first ever brunette to sell the preeminent brand of breath refreshment, Kate Kelton has certainly left an impact on North American pop culture.

I, like numerous others, tend to glaze over and fall into the happy, sparkly place in my mind whenever a new (or classic) Tic Tac commercial flashes before my eyes. Serious -- I have stopped mid-sentence in the presence of these ads. For fifteen to thirty entire seconds, I am dead to the world around me as I am gently persuaded to try a Tic Tac and win over a woman like Kate Kelton..... *Edges blur as a dream sequence commences*

... I..... what....... I can't remember.... where......I....... what was talking about...?

OH! Right, sorry -- Tic Tac Girl. I mean, Kate Kelton.

As for her acting credits, she tends to pop up in places you would least expect her. I mean, she's in the sequel to American Psycho, her hotness was challenged based on her rather disturbing washroom scene in Harold and Kumar, and she consistently appears in commercials selling everything from breath mints to Cadillacs. And, she's even appeared in music videos including Shaggy's infamous "It Wasn't Me" single. (Though, if you're keen on BDSM, I would suggest you check out J. Englishman's video for his single "Abused." Ha, there -- that should cover my Can. con. plug for this evening).

However, I would argue the most attractive part about Kate Kelton overall is her dedication to her first love: the visual arts. Before she launched herself into the world of Hollywood North (and Original Hollywood), Ms. Kelton was an arts student over at Ryerson. Even now, her talent and passion as a painter continues to drive her into new creative outlets for her career. 

If you cruise on over to her professional website or to her deviantART page, you can see for yourself why Kate Kelton is the Jill-of-all-Trades in the arts world.

sundawgs, one - Featured on deviantART

Gorgeous, thoughtful, artistic, and adventurous -- what more could you want in a woman?

Kate Kelton, the Harem Proper wouldn't be the same without your presence... nor your penchant for breath mints.

No. 5: Billie Piper

Name: Billie Piper

Date of Birth: 22 September, 1982

Hometown: Swindon, Wiltshire, England

Selected Career Credits:

• Doctor Who (2005-2010)... Rose Tyler
• Secret Diary of a Call Girl (2007-2008)... Belle
• Mansfield Park (2007)... Fanny Price
• The Ruby in the Smoke (2006)... Sally Lockhart

Harem Role: Chief Time/Space Traveller 

***

Billie Piper is one of those women who has always been on my radar. When I was young and first venturing into pop music and Top 40 radio, Ms. Piper made an impression on me with her catchy lyrics and cute, bubble gum image. Yes, indeed -- she started her career at the tender age of fifteen as a singer targeted toward the international tween set. Songs like "Because We Want To" and "Girlfriend" filtered their way to Canada via countdown shows (e.g. YTV's Hit List) right at the time when the Spice Girls, All Saints, and a host of other female-fronted pop groups were dominating the airwaves. I suppose she left her imprint on me back then, really.

And, it wasn't until this year that she found her way back to my attention and found her rightful place in the Harem Proper.

As I mentioned early, I am an outspoken and total nerd when it comes to all things sci fi. The Advocate, a close friend of mine since high school, managed to lure me into the world of Doctor Who over this past winter. I mean, heck -- aliens? Time AND space travel? Sharp, witty writing with complex plot lines? BRITISH ACCENTS??

I never stood a chance.

And there she was -- Billie Piper starred as Rose Tyler, the first of Doctor Who's travelling companions introduced for the revamped British classic. 

She lived through the first regeneration of the new Doctor.

She travelled to the furthest reaches of the Universe and won the heart of a troubled, lonely wanderer haunted by his past.

She battled the Cyber Men, the Daleks, and an entire host of other alien life forms threatening residents of London and the entire global community.

Heck, she even destroyed the MIND of SATAN and later infused herself with the time vortex to rescue the Universe even though it almost BURNT HER MIND OUT.

It's no wonder Who fans were devastated at the end of Season Two. I won't go into details because I think you, dear reader, should seek it out and watch it for yourself. I admit, I had trouble accepting the Doctor's companions after Rose. Her dedication, her fearlessness, and her impish sense of adventure were entirely endearing. It's a telling sign when the Doctor, a man who has travelled beyond all sense of the word, is still in love Rose two seasons AFTER her exit. 

In her latest project, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Billie Piper strips down her notorious 'girl-next-door' image and asserts herself as a sarcastic and sophisticated London escort attempting to balance her working life with the confines of the 'normal' world. While there's no doubt I was led to this show for less than noble reasons (I mean, hey -- I'm not dead to the world, I fancy women in delicate lingerie like any gay gal should), I can assure you that the Belle de Jour of the infamous blog/book would be proud of Billie Piper's work.

This post is making me want to abandon my job tomorrow and re-watch all of Season 1 and 2 of the new Doctor Who series. Confound you, Thursday. And confound your insistence on 8-5 office work.

In honour of her sheer loveliness (and hopefully to bait you into watching the show, too), I give you a small sampling of Rose Tyler. Oh, Billie Piper -- thank goodness you are in the Harem Proper.

No. 6: Zoe Bell

Name: Zoe Bell

Date of Birth: 17 November, 1978

Hometown: Waiheke Island, New Zealand

Selected Career Credits:

• Angel of Death (2009)... Eve
• Bitch Slap (2009)... Rawhide
• Death Proof (2007)... Zoe
• Planet Terror (2007)... Sicko Eating Paramedic #2
• Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004, stunt double for Uma Thurman)
• Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003, stunt double for Uma Thurman)
• Xena: Warrior Princess (1995, stunt double for Lucy Lawless)

Harem Role: Chief of Dangerous Endeavors

***

Hands down, Zoe Bell is THE MOST hardcore member of the Harem Proper. No one can surpass her physical stamina, her sordid past in the ER, nor her intimidating resume as Hollywood's leading stuntwoman. And she still manages to hold her own as a sweet and stunning starlet complete with a feature role AS HERSELF in a Tarantino film.

SO. FUCKING. AWESOME.

As any self-respecting, proto-lesbian youngster can attest to, I was glued to just about every new episode of Xena: Warrior Princess that aired. If the tight, short, leather outfit clinging to Lucy Lawless wasn't enough to hold my interest, I know those epic battle scenes waged against common men and Gods alike certainly caught my attention. I was a child attracted to tough as nails women, especially ones wielding swords and sharpened discs. Little did I know that Zoe Bell was the real grit and brass behind the fists that so fired up my... um, imagination.

I think it's safe to say that Zoe Bell became a household name in North America following her lead role in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof. I've always been a little wary of Tarantino films -- despite my penchant for wicked fight scenes, I tend to balk at the presence of gore. And... yeah, Tarantino tends to gravitate toward the gruesome side of cinema. But, really -- the lure of eight formidable, talented, and unabashedly gorgeous women helped me move past any reservations I might have had. 

Am I ever glad I did.

It's her cute, Kiwi accent and her palpable, radiant energy that draws you in -- and it's her white-knuckled ride atop a classic 1970 Dodge Challenger that seals the deal. Every time I think about the sequence, I fall further and further into my complete infatuation for Ms. Bell. I mean, it's the fact that it's HER gripping two leather belts and taking her life quite literally into her own hands during a high-speed chase scene that proves to be the pinnacle of hot for this blogette right here. 

Zoe Bell doesn't just play a daredevil -- she IS one. 

And she's got the scars to prove it.

I know Lady Blogs across the Internet have been buzzing about the upcoming film Bitch Slap. Oh, and which stunning Kiwi actress/stuntwoman is appearing as the fight club champion, Rawhide?

Mmm hmm.

And her weapon of choice?....... Her boots. 

HOT DAMN.

And for those of you who would like an extra peek into the life of the kickass Zoe Bell, watch this clip and marvel:

Ms. Bell -- oh, you are SO in the Harem Proper.

No. 7: Selma Blair

Name: Selma Blair

Date of Birth: 23 June, 1972

Hometown: Southfield, Michigan

Selected Career Credits:

• Kath and Kim (2008-2009)... Kim Day
• Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)... Liz Sherman
• Purple Violets (2007)... Patti Petalson
• Hellboy (2004)... Liz Sherman
• Cruel Intentions (1999)...Cecile Caldwell

Harem Role: Wardrobe Consultant

***

Selma Blair is... an enigma to the Harem Proper. I have to be honest -- her career choices have been.... well, questionable for the most part.

While most queer girls were first introduced to Ms. Blair through her infamous role as the naive, ditzy, girl-kissin' Cecile Caldwell of Cruel Intentions, I somehow managed to entirely miss that movie moment. I mean, I've seen quick clips of the 'cultural phenomenon' that was two over-privileged girls kissing each other to "practice" for the "real deal." *Yawn* Had I been a little older when the movie came out, I might have come around to Ms. Blair a little earlier. However, despite the kind of superficial titillation Cruel Intentions offered at the time, Selma Blair gets outstanding points for her recurring roles as lesbian characters. 

But, we are getting a little off topic.

I finally came around to the sharp, sleek sexiness of Selma Blair when I first saw her star as Liz Sherman in Hellboy. (Yes, it's the sci fi nerd emerging yet again). I mean, serious -- the woman can self-immolate. I mean, not that she harms herself with the fire she generates, but she could take out quite a legion of demons, nemeses, and a host of otherworldly bad guys attempting to take on the B.P.R.D. (that's Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense for anyone keeping tabs) and human civilization at large. 

Let's see:

• Supernatural abilities? Check.
• Wicked sense of sarcasm/humour? Check.
• Lesbian-ish makeover for Hellboy II? DOUBLE CHECK.

But, even then -- Hellboy II caught me off-guard in terms of Liz Sherman's character development. Her only plot line was the, "OHMYGOD! Liz is, like, totally pregnant with Hellboy's baby! Like, what's going to happen when Hellboy FINDS OUT?!1!" I mean, you have a woman who can transform herself into LIVING FIRE and you demote her to Hellboy's "baby mama"? For shame!

And then, there was Kath and Kim. *Shudder* Although, it would be wrong of me to discount the show entirely -- there was an episode there where Selma Blair strapped on some skates and dominated the world of Roller Derby. *Drool* But.... well...... yeah. Yeah. It was.... probably for the best that this show was never renewed.

Ah, but Selma Blair -- I will always hold out for you. She's got this magnetism to her that I can't shake. I swear, she can devastate with a single glance. I get the impression that, if provoked, she could take down her challengers with an extra bit of cut-eye. 

I can think of nothing hotter.

Selma Blair, even though I might disapprove of the... majority of the roles you take, I will always have your back. Ms. Blair, welcome to the seventh spot in the Harem Proper.

No. 8: Sarah Chalke

Name: Sarah Chalke

Date of Birth: 27 August, 1976

Hometown: Ottawa, Ontario

Selected Career Credits:

• How I Met Your Mother (9 Episodes, 2008-2009)... Stella Zinman
• Scrubs (2001-2009)... Dr. Elliot Reid
• Scrubs: Interns (5 Episodes, 2009)... Dr. Elliot Reid
• Prop 8: The Musical (2008)... Scary Catholic School Girls From Hell
• Clone High (3 Episodes, 2002-2003)... Marie Antoinette

Harem Role: Harem Doctor/Caregiver

***

Alright, so Sarah Chalke has ample experience as a physician/healthcare professional in TV Land. In fact, this penchant for doctor characters has landed her the unique privilege of tending to the ill and ailing of the Harem World. It cannot be denied -- Ms. Chalke knows how to rock a pair of scrubs. And a white lab coat. And... hell, she could rock a parka and snowshoes, even -- I'm that convinced of her epic radiance.

But, Sarah Chalke proves time and again that she is far more than a pretty face. Though, don't get me wrong -- she's definitely got a pretty face, too. 

I first noticed Ms. Chalke as I'm sure most individuals did -- after being drawn into the quirky, surreal world of a group of fledgling interns on Scrubs, it was only a matter of time before Dr. Elliot Reid stole my focus and won her place in The Harem Proper. Even before Dr. Reid's glamourous, ultra-femme makeover (um, hi -- you remember that black tank top, choppy hair look, right?), I was taken in by the awkward charm and the beautiful mess that IS Elliot. 

She's neurotic. She's anal-retentive. She's the overachiever who strives for approval and credit in the Boys' Club of Medicine. And.... well, like the rest of the cast, she's physically and socially clumsy ALL OF THE TIME.

And yet, it's the flaws and faults that make Dr. Reid gorgeous. 

I love that she becomes supersonic when she's stressed. 

I love her spastic outbursts and the prudish way she censors "dirty" words.

Hell, I even love the fact that she gets nose bleeds during vital career interviews and then proceeds to sneeze across her future employer.

I would gladly be the apple thief to her cider house/orchard owner, without a doubt. I mean, FRICK -- IT'S SARAH CHALKE, HERE!

And, for your viewing pleasure -- it's Dr. Reid's stunning metamorphosis from introverted intern to the Badass of the Medical Field. Sarah Chalke, thank you for donning those scrubs for all these years. 

No. 9: Erin Karpluk

Name: Erin Karpluk

Date of Birth: 17 October, 1978

Hometown: Jasper, Alberta

Selected Career Credits:

• Being Erica (2009)... Erica Strange
  
• The L Word (3 Episodes, 2008)... Alysse
• Bionic Woman (2 Episodes, 2007)... Robin
• Godiva's (2005-2006)... Kate (Leo and Gemini Nominations)

Harem Role: In Charge of Timmie's Runs.

***

Oh, Erin Karpluk. I first discovered Ms. Karpluk when the CBC was pushing her as the new Golden Child of Canadian Television. I remember catching quick glances of her on posters around Toronto and on the sides of buses and the like. People seemed to be buzzing at the thought of the new show, Being Erica -- who was this girl in the gleaming red dress, the one bombarding all our public spaces with her image? I was intrigued, to say the least. So, I tuned in and there she was -- a future member of the Harem Proper.

Being Erica focuses on the trials and tribulations of a thirty-something woman named Erica Strange. She is a woman plagued by regrets and overwhelmed by her lot in life. She begins therapy sessions only to discover that her counsellor (Michael Riley) has the power to send her back through time to alter events from her past. While the premise might sound a little too fairy-tale at first glance, the subject matter is handled in a compelling way -- while Erica can change these events, she never rids herself of regret. Instead, her decisions lead to new problems she had never foreseen. Old challenges give way to new issues she must overcome in order to find peace within herself.

And Erin Karpluk handles the character beautifully.  

She's the good, Canadian girl-next-door with a bit of sass and a willingness to embrace life and explore her darker side in order to bring light into her life. I could feel the slow pull of attraction with each new episode I watched until I knew she'd found her place in The Harem. AND, I must note -- Being Erica outdid itself with one particular episode titled "Everything She Wants."

Episode in a Nutshell: In the present, Erica is dating a man she is physically attracted to, but not emotionally --> Erica remembers Cassidy, a friend she'd been emotionally attracted to, but could not establish a physical spark with. Both women drifted apart after a New Year's Eve incident. "Resolution": Admits her love for her best (guy) friend, Ethan (Aka. the man she is connected with on both levels) --> He admits he's trying to work things out with his ex-ish wife.

Why do I bother with this rundown?

Watch. Watch and drool:

I. HEART. YOU. CBC.

Erin Karpluk -- Welcome to Miz Moffatt's Harem Proper. I look forward to your domination of the CBC and future episodes of the all-too-adorable Being Erica. I say we celebrate with some tea and Timbits.

Harem Rankings: A Rough Guide

Overall, The Harem can be divided into three main categories:

• The Harem Proper
  
• Qualification Camp
  
• Re-Qualification Camp
  

The Harem Proper

In the first category, members have achieved full Harem titles and privileges. Since Chantal and I will be living in a Spanish villa/palace once we have found suitable real estate, these Harem members are entitled to their own suites within our lavish abode. 

As a general rule, the Number One Harem Member must oversee all laundry duties for the opposing Harem (i.e. Taylor Hanson of Chantal's Harem is in charge of my Harem's laundry). The Number Two Harem Member is in charge of training Qualification Camp neophytes and re-training fallen Harem Members. All other Harem Members are given various titles/duties based on their talents and areas of interest. 

Rankings are subject to change at the discretion of either myself or Chantal (and trust me -- we will literally discuss Harem additions/shuffles for hours on end, if need be)

Qualification Camp

Potential members seeking Harem status are enrolled into our Qualification Camp training program. The Number Two Harem Member is responsible for introducing neophytes to the Inner Sanctum of Hotness and applying rigorous training practices to ensure each newbie is prepared for Harem life. 

Individuals invited to Qualification Camp are NOT guaranteed a position within the Harem Proper. Their success is based on their accolades and past successes, the calibre of their present and future career choices, and their continued adherence to all things hot.

Qualification Camp Members are housed in a comfortable, lavish pool house on the villa compound. Upon successful completion of the training program, neophytes are invited into the villa itself and will have a rank and title assigned to them. Should a Qualification Camp Member fail in their training courses, the individual will be removed from the compound until further notice.

Re-Qualification Camp

Members of the Harem Proper are bound to fall or falter. We are human -- mistakes will be made, public errors will arise, and hotness will wane. On occasion, members require re-training and will subsequently receive "refresher" courses to boost their hotness once again. However, should their hotness drop below acceptable levels, said member will be removed from the compound until further notice.

Re-Qualification Camp Members are relegated to a shack at the furthest end of the villa compound. A large weeping willow tree protects them and feeds off of their tears at night. Quite a pretty sight, is it not?

***

So there -- consider yourself informed. And, on that note, I do believe it's time for Harem introductions all around.

Enter: THE HAREM

While my blog is still young and nubile, I feel it is time to introduce: The Harem.

The Harem was founded in 2005, back when I was a fresh-faced, immature 15-year-old arts school kid who daydreamed about famous celebrities fawning her (meaning ME). And, well.... not a whole lot.... has changed... since then, save for my metabolism... and perhaps my taste in celebrities.

The concept of The Harem was alluring to me at that age. I mean, a whole flock of gorgeous, talented, intelligent individuals dedicating their love and obedience to YOU ALONE??! Heck, sign me up. And sign up I did.

And thus, I recruited my friends to an on-going joke that spans my high school, undergraduate, and full-time working careers.

Granted, at the time of The Harem's creation, I was still VERY heavily closeted and so, my Harem took the form of extremely pretty, effeminate male celebrities (RE: Orlando Bloom as Legolas in Lord of the Rings.) Yeah. And I was still surprised Chantal already knew I was queer BEFORE I came out to her in the summer of 2008. *Shakes head at herself*

Anyhow, as I have grown to accept and embrace my beautiful queerness, my Harem has blossomed to reflect my true self. Oh, um.... and there are some smokin' hot ladies there that deserve ample space on this blog. Mmm hmm.

Over the next, oh... two weeks, I will document my Harem as it stands now. The countdown will start from the lower ranks and progress to the upper echelons. Later, I'll even detail the ladies of my Qualification Camp. And, after that sentence, I realize I will need to provide a more detailed entry explaining the Harem's ranking system. This is an elaborate inside joke that has developed between Chantal and I over... about eight or nine years, but it provides some vital information to the structure of the Harem overall.

Anyhow, prepare thyself for hotness galore as of tomorrow. ;)