And a Brief Shock to Follow...

So, what do you get when you take a brash, ass-kicking, cross-bowed Natalie Portman...

... add a buxom, beautiful Zooey Deschanel....

.... and then mix them with the likes of James Franco and Danny McBride in a stoner, fantasy flick about two princes (a hero and an ass) sent out on a quest to save their father's kingdom?

No, I am not inventing an iota of this.

Proof:

... All I can ask is that Natalie Portman and Danny McBride do not hook-up in this movie. I might have to add that to my list of What Makes a Lesbian Heart Weep -- seeing hot women forced to date unworthy dudes on the silver screen is a swift kick to the teeth, every time.

So..... um, thoughts? Is this an "out-of-left-field" flick, or is it spot on?

OD'ed on Adorable

Right-o -- it's a short post this evening. But readers beware, I've got an arsenal of cute on me.

I headed over to YouTube to check out some details on the top two members of my Harem and discovered these delightful, precious clips of the ladies. Seems both were keen on hanging with the Sesame Street crew to teach future generations and to garner greater admiration from yours truly.

First: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Oscar-nominated supporting actress:

And that is why her fans have dubbed her "Maggles." SO ADORABLE IT STINGS.

Second: Natalite Portman. In an elephant suit.

Dead Serious:

Ms. Portman's segment was an older one, but it is still cute beyond comprehension. I loved Sesame Street as a child, but I reckon I would have been glued to the screen had lovely ladies like these occupied that edu-tastic screen time.

***

OLYMPIC UPDATES:

Seems Team Canada has shuffled off that notorious politeness and are taking no prisoners. Recent medal winners now include:

• Marianne St-Gelais, Short Track Speed Skating - Ladies' 500 m (Silver, Feb. 17)
• Christine Nesbitt, Speed Skating - Ladies' 1000 m (Gold, Feb. 18)

Our ladies are owning when it comes to Canadian medals at this moment. Out of seven, the girls have nabbed five (two of which are the elusive gold medals). None too shabby, if you ask me.

So, not only can we throw ourselves down hills well, we can also skate in circles on ice quite fast. Everyday, kids -- everyday, you learn something new.

EDIT: I can hear the rumblings from downstairs. I like to steer clear of the family room when men's hockey is on. Too much tension. And that's from the ice AND the spectators (chez Moffatt).

ZOMG: Natalie Portman and Zombies?!

I realize I am behind with the times since the utter rapture of this news broke, but --

*Inhales*

IAMSOEXCITEDANDCANBARELYMAINTAINANYSEMBLANCEOFSANITYATTHENEWS!!

*Staggers, breathes again*

Natalie Portman has signed on to star in the film adaptation of the reinvented Austen classic otherwise known as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

Let me process this blitz of sheer perfection:

• Natalie Portman as the spunky Elizabeth Bennet
• An alternative universe where zombies invade Regency-era England
• Natalie Portman killin' zombies in Austen-era wardrobe

*Brain implodes*

WHY IS THIS MOVIE NOT OUT NOW AND WHY IS THE WORLD FORCING ME TO WAIT FAR TOO LONG TO SEE IT?

I don't care what the cynics tell you -- life is fuckin' beautiful, kids.

Miz Moffatt's Brain Crack

So, the big question -- what's your fancy? What dreams occupy your waking thoughts? What unfulfilled ideas or plans revolve around your mind while you're facing yet another day of school or work? If someone asked you what your ideal life looked like, how would you answer? Have you made any progress toward those ideals?

This, ladies, is the definition of BRAIN CRACK.

It was just about a week ago when The Advocate played a particularly thought-provoking clip for me. If you haven't heard of the show with zefrank, I would highly recommend it. He's spastic, hilarious, and never blinks. Anyhow, the episode that inspired this post tonight deals with the topic of Brain Crack, or the unfulfilled/unfinished ideas we all carry around with us. These are the sweet, little morsels that provide instant gratification without satiety. Instead of inspiring inner peace, they leave you with a stronger craving than before.

If you'd like to see the video with a delightful ditty on the subject, visit zefrank right here. Otherwise, here's his argument:

Hrrmm, valid points, zefrank. I had never interpreted all those daydreams and mental sugar in this fashion. It got me thinking about my OWN Brain Crack and what I could sample for other addicts out there:

• Trip to England and Europe at large.
• Cross-country trip through Canada, all coasts included.
• Novel ideas: Disease-thriller apocalypse and the fugue diaries.
• The First Poetry Collection.
• Moving out and living on my own in a big metropolitan centre.
• Producing YouTube shorts w/ The Crew and becoming megastars for 15 seconds.
• Coordinating a joint blog/vlog project w/ The Advocate and Ship Sharp.
• Landing a stellar job that keeps me in contact with artistic-minded individuals, where I am treated as a staff MEMBER vs. a wage slave.
• Writing a comic book and meeting up with various artists who would illustrate my words (sim. to Neil Gaiman's Sandman series).
• Return trip to Japan w/ a group of friends to explore Tokyo to its fullest extent.

*In the midst of a Brain Crack coma* Oh yeah.... oh, that's the good stuff right there. Sweet goodness, what a life all written out there in plain English. My head's just reeling from the fumes of it all. Those are the images I drug myself with on an almost daily basis.

So, why not get moving on them? I wonder what Brain Crack would replace THAT Brain Crack, though. It'll be just an endless, magical stream of self-generated hallucinogens. Sweet.

--> Must be off now. To celebrate Guy Fawkes Day, I am watching V for Vendetta. Can't keep my girlfriend waiting, now can I?

Bad, Moffatt. BAD!

For shame, Moffatt! Look at me, already neglecting my lil' blog for ONE WEEK.

*Slaps wrist*

I must admit -- my daily existence is rather void of queer tales, lesbian hotties, and other various gaieties. 

I live in the suburbs. I am in the closet. And most of my friends are either A) Overseas, or B) Working on the weekends while I work during the week.

... What the heck is this world coming to, I tell you.

Still, an excuse is an excuse -- and trust me, I am attempting to justify my behaviour and perhaps lessen the scolding and wrath I might receive from readers across the Blogiverse.

So, to make amends, I come bearing a gift. This is a clip I actually came across quite a while ago, but, now that I have a queer platform through which to share it, I can spread its loveliness to viewers not yet acquainted with it.

Essentially, the New York Times Style Magazine shot a webseries of intimate, one-on-one interviews with prominent stars and entertainers titled "Screentest." It appears as though the project was designed to promote their online magazine and what better way to lure people to online publications than plastering gorgeous celebrities across their pages?

*Ahem*

Anyhow, the NY Times was blessed with the presence of Ms. Natalie Portman for one of their intimate interviews and, my goodness, it just proves how painfully adorable the woman is. What a gorgeous way to end an entirely rainy weekend. *Shakes fist at the past four days of continual rain*

And now, I give you: 

No. 1: Natalie Portman

Name: Natalie Portman

Date of Birth: 9 June, 1981

Hometown: Jerusalem, Israel/New York City, New York

Selected Career Credits:

• New York, I Love You (2008)... Rifka ("Mira Nair")
• The Other Boleyn Girl (2008)... Anne Boleyn
• Paris, je t'aime (2006)... Francine ("Faubourg Saint-Denis")
• V for Vendetta (2005)... Evey
• Closer (2004)... Alice
• Garden State (2004)... Sam

Harem Role: Head of the Harem Proper/ Chief Launderer

***

And here she is, the Golden Child of the Harem Proper. At long last, after about... three weeks of my teasing, we have reached the absolute pinnacle of hotness (well, according to my preferences, of course) and she is -- Natalie Portman.

Think about it:

• Overflowing with a natural, effortless talent for the dramtic arts
• Balances eloquence and grace with an equally adorable nerdiness
• Put her career on hold to obtain a bachelor's degree in Psychology.... FROM HARVARD
• Is a high-profile vegetarian and is an outspoken advocate for animal rights
• Travelled to Uganda, Guatemala, and Ecuador as the Ambassador of Hope for FINCA International
• Oh, and -- SHE'S SMOKIN' HOT.

Can't forget that last one, you know. Serious, though -- she's the kind of girl that intimidates the HELL out of me... which only makes me love and adore her even more.

I can still pinpoint the exact moment I became infatuated with the lovely Ms. Portman. I was only 11-years-old, smack dab in the middle of the Awkward Years. I was given a subscription to Seventeen magazine and was excited each month to flip through the high-gloss pages and dream of the day when I would be a ~teenager~ at last. What a glorious notion at the time.

I remember unfurling one particular issue of Seventeen with a cover that would brand itself into my mind and lay the groundwork for my future Harem.

Ladies and... well, ladies -- it was this exact photo of Natalie Portman that found its way to my mailbox on that fateful afternoon:

I know -- it's a simple headshot of a girl who was not a star, not quite yet. But I remember being so taken with her when I first saw the image. I had that breathless moment, a moment 

amplified by the fact I was nowhere close to even being out to myself. I was debating if I should include this photo in this particular post -- I mean, she's a young'un in that picture and I wanted to celebrate Ms. Portman as she is here and now. But this photo reminds me of those early days of my own self-discovery and I see it as one of those important markers in my coming out process. 

I mean, with that kind of legacy, is it any wonder she's my go-to gal?

Since that single moment back in grade 6, Natalie Portman has managed to orbit around the most influential periods in my life. I watched her in the newer Star Wars flicks through the ups and downs of high school living; I saw Closer in theatres around the time I was first accepting my queerness; I watched Garden State at a Sunday night cinema with the two guys who would become my closest allies during my undergrad; I spent St. Patrick's Day in 2005 walking 2 and a half hours back from seeing V for Vendetta -- it also happened to be the same moment I realized my one real try at the hetero-lifestyle was not going to click, ever. 

It's like the universe was pointing a giant, glowing arrow at Natalie Portman and saying, "YOU ARE SO GAY, MIZ MOFFATT, JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY."

Haha, this is turning into quite the origin rant. I hadn't intended on that, honestly. But, I suppose that proves why Natalie Portman is the uncontested Queen of the Harem Proper.

Alright -- that's my ramblin' for this evening. I shall leave you with some Portman gems for you to glance over. Please, do revel in the wonder that is NP. 

 I vote she wears her hair short from now on... serious, now.

OHHHH, the pink wig....I'm surprised I was able to walk out of the theatre after seeing that film. All you need is Clive Owen out of the scene, and it's perfect. 

I defy you to watch this clip and NOT fall wildly in love with Natalie's darker side. I mean, look at her -- she's feisty, frenetic, and she's frontin' a group of lovely ladies. I swear, she is perfect... and also apparently badass.

I was an English major/history minor during my undergrad and, when I found this picture, my head nearly exploded across the reams and reams of lecture notes strewn about my room.

***

And thus concludes the epic profiles dedicated to the gorgeous, radiant women of Miz Moffatt's Harem. Stop by the villa sometime for a visit -- make sure to bring your Harem with you, too.