Gay Gal, Straight-ish Past: The Reconciliation Act

There's a new issue that's presented itself since I first started my campaign to out myself en masse -- what to do with this straight-ish past of mine?

Now, granted -- I do not possess a detailed dating past. AT ALL. In fact, the longest relationship I've ever been in was exactly five months.

(It was a relationship that should have ended after three weeks.)

Mmm hmm.

Still though, I'm faltering with the whole reconciliation of past and present. I mean, I went through about a four- or five-year period where I genuinely identified as a bi woman. I faced and fought biphobia within the queer community on our campus, I tried one doomed relationship with a boy I lived with in second year, and I eventually realized I was DEFINITELY a gay gal after one magical night of spin the bottle.

After the whirling internal confusion and the pressing external evidence, I came to the one conclusion: When I pictured how I wanted to be loved and how I wanted to relate with a partner, I could only see a woman there.

And I've never looked back.

However, I still hesitate to talk about that younger version of myself. She was the girl who gossiped about boys and wrote about her "dream guy" to her journals and obsessed over her perceived failure when it came to attracting the gents. I find that girl to be a distant echo or some kind of blurry figure against my current horizons.

But there are still real emotions there. When I talk about the guy I dated in second year, I still feel that sharp embarrassment while remembering what I put up with. And I still sense that awkwardness and that desire to never speak with him again. I mean, I am certain he's a heavily closeted gay man -- takes one former closet case to know another, right? So, why is there still a lingering hurt when I think of that time? And why do I struggle to talk about those experiences in the present tense?

Even if I wasn't outright attracted to him, how do I speak about a past hetero relationship without compromising this genuine life as a queer woman?

I know that my identity as a queer woman is one of those fundamental, central visions of myself. I don't question that at all. It's just those high school crushes and that weird period as a straight girlfriend that's throwing me off.

I'm curious to know if this is a common concern among queer women who have dated men in the past. Can you reconcile both versions of yourself, or do you choose to ignore those days as a misguided youth? Are you willing to discuss those times in detail, or do you just focus on your more recent relationships with women?

Mmm... identity politics are best mulled over before an epic weekend. T.G.I.F. indeed.