Fickle Time and Topic

I wonder what it is that's driving me to the distraction of dating. I know, this post will be an aboutface from the one I wrote all of one hour ago, but this idea has been prickling my thoughts since I first touched on it in a paper journal entry from Monday.

Why am I feeling compelled to throw myself out into the singles community?

I mean, it's not an unusual desire -- I understand the need to find a like-minded individual to connect with on mental, physical, and emotional levels. I know the fear associated with loneliness and I know how love and attraction can add a sense of substance to an otherwise dull world. Granted, I have never been in love before, but I've seen people who were/are and it's an impressive energy to witness.

But what about me? I wonder sometimes if I'm cut out for this love... stuff. I mean, like any complex being, I have these opposing sides that rotate in their strength on a daily basis, but I can sense them both at all times:

One side views the world through those bright and colourful romantic lenses. This is the side that drives me to place a girl on a pedestal and to be the one who anchors her. I want to be the one to hold the door open, to plan surprise trips or secret weekend escapes, and to leave cute, little surprise notes and gifts for her where I know she'll discover them when I'm not there. I want her to find that forgotten safety in me and I want to help construct that whole impenetrable language lovers build between one another.

But then, there's the other side that dismantles that image. I have that side that is terrified to commit. At the moment, it's difficult to sort out just exactly what I want to pursue in life. Should I become an archivist/librarian, or should I forsake it all and try to write full-time? Or maybe I ought to enter publishing? And what of where I want to live or where I want to travel to or what dreams I want to realize in real time? It seems as though I need to suss all that out before I even think of bringing a partner into the mix.

I know I tend to overthink simple, organic things. And I wonder if maybe I should abandon that inner monologue and live as impulsively as my age dictates. Hrmm, it's quite a conundrum. And I know I'm a bit of a late bloomer in all regards, so perhaps this is just another point that will get sorted in a few years time.

Still, I know I need to get out there and get moving. I just wonder if dating is one of those areas that will need to be shifted to the background until I can figure myself out well enough.

That, and I'm sure the Online Dating Major/Minor Archetypes have reminded me of the perils involved with exchanging flirtations.

Ah, such a fickle time and topic.