Archetypes of Online Dating

Here it is -- an anthropological dissection of online dating culture, particularly the scene as created on Plenty of Fish. I have studied the bizarre, inexplicable behaviour of countless potential daters and I have developed a list of archetypes for your perusal (since, you know... that's what normal people do).

Our first chapter will deal with the most predominant characteristics as witnessed through the individual dating experience of Miz Moffatt. 

There are six general categories of behvaiour that numerous online users engage in -- some are purists to one form of (anti)-social interaction while others borrow liberally from various categories.

Please open your text to page 20 and we will review the list:

1. The "Favourites-Only" Girl: This girl provides you with passive-aggressive hints that she is interested in your profile, however, she will never pursue you. While I still had my profile up over the winter, I had a stunning femme woman add me to her favourites list. I was over the moon, let me tell you. Now, I know some ladies like to be coy and flirty without making the official first move -- and yes, I respond quite well to this tactic. I messaged her and waited... and waited... and proceeded to wait some more. Why would you deem a girl fit enough for your favourites list if you have no intention to speak to her? It's quite confusing to the so-called "favourite."

2. The No Photo/No Profile Girl: She will offer minimal conversation starters and withhold images of herself.... and still expect the two of you to connect. I completely understand the decision to exclude a photo from an online dating profile. For the girls still in the closet but still wanting to meet gay girls, it can inspire greater confidence to omit a photo. And you never know who's checking profiles -- I wouldn't have wanted someone I casually know to out me simply because they found me on a dating site. But, if you're not putting a photo up, you NEED to give written details for the profile. Serious. It's hard to start talking to someone who won't provide any immediate conversation starters. It'd be like trying to chat up a girl who was wearing a bag over her head and would only answer with monosyllabic words. It's a little tricky.

3. The Last Impressionist: She is the girl whose first impression on you will also be the last. This is one of the more creative archetypes in the sense that a last impression can mean something different to each person. The trigger for a LAST impression is a flexible category and not all daters will respond in the same way. In my case, I once had a No Photo/No Profile girl who actually messaged me to say, "Ur cute. Gimme ur MSN." No. No I will not. Please type full sentences. 

4. The A.S.S. (Abrasive, Suspicious Sistah): This is the girl who either insults parts of your profile or doubts the content of your profile and feels the urge to write to you about it. Insulting Doctor Who/calling me a nerd in a derogatory way is not endearing (and is horribly misguided since Doctor Who is AMAZING). In addition, I don't take kindly to women believing I've lied about my age, whether for older or younger. I am 23. 23. And no, I will not scan and post my birth certificate to prove that to you.

5. The "E-mails Only" Girl: You will never meet this girl despite the fact you have written reams and reams of online prose and personal, heartfelt details to her. You will know every small detail about her and you will never hear her voice. Not once. I like writing, I don't think that's a secret. But sometimes, the e-mails go on a little too long and enter that awkward zone of "uh.... we're still going to meet.... right?" I want to meet you, lovely lady -- no need to be shy. You have proven your command of the written word and I like! I LIKE!

6. The Disappearing Act: She is quite possibly the most heartbreaking of all the major archetypes within the online dating scene. She's articulate, she's gorgeous, and she messages YOU FIRST. You respond and provide excellent prompts for further conversation topics.... but the second e-mail never comes. I know you can never anticipate someone else's reaction to a response, but it has happened SO consistently and strangely that I'm beginning to hypothesize about the probable vortex that exists between my account and the inboxes of various women on these sites.... or the gremlins that feed off flirtatious messages... hmm, yes.

Tomorrow, we'll cover some of the minor archetypes of online dating. It's a wide world out there and there are numerous forms of crazy we haven't even begun to research yet. Do stay tuned.