Awkward Office Moments: Round One

Here it is -- the first installment of Awkward Office Moments starring Miz Moffatt.

As a more than half 'in' lesbian, navigating the public realm and the working world can be a daunting one. I've been outside the protective university bubble for just over a year now and it still amazes me how subtle yet pervasive traditional ideas can be.

A bit of background: in the last year, I've been laid off twice. My Mom managed to get me a summer contract position at her office and I am currently the Rebate Queen at a major pool manufacturing office. Essentially, I screen all the rebate claims pouring in to our office and decide if the customer meets all of our requirements or not. Yes = MONEY! No = Rejection letter and the potential hassle of an irritated customer.

My Mom and I get along well -- she's an accountant and we share similar work ethics/approaches to projects (which makes sense considering she instilled many of my anal retentive habits when it comes to filing). Anyhow, it's a tricky environment to navigate -- I'm the daughter of a full-timer. Right away, co-workers deal with me as an adult would a child despite the fact that I'm 23. As a result, I often find myself up against some rather invasive questions into my personal life, namely my love life. Granted, I assume most women would enter into these discussions in any office. It's one of those topics to debate, mull over, and all that jazz. In my case, since I am also thoroughly single, I tend to become the target of The Office Matchmaker rather quickly.

Lo, that is where I found myself this morning.

Mom was showing me a cover story from The Globe and Mail -- I can't quite remember the title, but it was some clever pun on a single farmer and how difficult it was to find a wife. Something about 'heartbroken in the heartland'....? Was it that blatant? Hmm, can't quite recall. Anyhow, Mom was pointing it out for the sake of making the "I dislike your sister's current boyfriend and think she should marry a good, hard-working man who will treat her well" argument. And hey, what better guy than a Quebecois farmer, right?

As Mom was showing me this article, I could feel The Office Matchmaker (hereby known as "The OM") tugging at my arm. I ignored her and kept sorting through the mail. The OM continued -- "Ooooh, a single guy who works the land? What a catch he would be, hmmmmm?" I respond with an awkward chuckle, averted eyes, and more mail shuffling.

She continues: "Oh, look at her, she's trying to ignore me, now. She doesn't want to admit in front of her Mom that she would be all over a guy like that if he walked into the room. And he's French, too. He speaks the language of ~love~ right there." I start sorting through the mail faster in an attempt to escape.

I see two epic issues with this office moment:

1. The OM kept on pushing, regardless of the fact that I would not take the bait.
2. The OM tried to get me to evaluate/check out a man WHILE MY MOM WAS THERE.

I mean, she doesn't know I'm gay, so I can excuse the whole "it's WRONG for a girl your age to be without a man!" mentality -- but, really? In front of my Mom? Like.... what?? Seriously? Seriously. 

I wanted so badly to just respond with the whole, "Yeah, see, I'm not attracted to men, so you can take a break and not worry about setting me up with anyone" but the thought of coming out to my Mom like THAT is horrifying at best. Slightly amusing if I put a sitcom spin to it, but I know Reality would make it.... riDONKulous. In the negative sense.

I guess it made me realize how much I want to be out. I know I would come across new issues as an out woman at work, but I'm at the point where I'd rather try dealing with those than resigning myself to the whole tedious idea of hetero-normative behaviour.

Blargh. Mondays are silly things.

Pride Weekend In Retrospect

So here we are, at the tail-end of another weekend full of sunshine, gorgeous women, and a whole lotta Pride.

I warn you now -- I'm not much of a 'scene queen.' I'm the quiet, reflective type who tends to hang out and observe from the sidelines. Regardless of that, I do have a story or two to share from the Pride events this year. So, let's not dally -- HERE WE GO!

Friday, June 26/09

I arrived home from work right as O'Neill was pulling into our driveway. O'Neill is a very close, and also very queer, friend of mine from my bright, shiny days as an undergrad. He was the first person I ever REALLY came out to and he is one of the few people who knows enough dirt on me to blackmail me from here to eternity if he so desired (but hey, I'm in the same position with him, too, for the record.) 

I was debating for about two weeks as to whether we should check out the 2009 Clam Slam (aka. The All- Queer Roller Derby Event) happening on the 26th. Trust me, I was salivating at the thought of it. However, after pouring over a map of the event location, I realized there was little chance of our traveling there. It's WELL OFF the beaten track in terms of TTC routes I'm familiar with. Plus, I knew it would be a hectic crunch to run from work to an evening event and then wake up bright and early for the next day. 

Alas. It was a no-go in the end.

O'Neill and I still had a great time, of course. I took him to a restaurant called Ami Sushi where I got to show off my recently-acquired chopstick skills. (I'm still very proud of that -- I was terrible with chopsticks up until, oh... maybe five months ago?). I tell you, there is nothing finer than tofu steaks and veggie tempura. *Drools at the memory* And O'Neill got to try miso soup for the first time and discovered the wonder that IS the bento box. Good times.

We finished the night off with tea, epic amounts of chocolate, and a glorious Japanese television show that featured an epic 24-hour game of tag. HARD. CORE.

Saturday, June 27/09

... And so began the BEST DAY OF THE YEAR, second only to Christmas -- THE DAY OF THE DYKE MARCH.

I put quite the bit of effort into this year's DM outfit. I decided to femme it up some and opted for this clingy, star-spangled black shirt I bought about a year ago. Picture this: a corset-like gathering around my waist, a trail of black ribbon down my back, a rather plunging neckline (for what I'm used to, anyway), and some short sleeves to show off all the hours I've spent at the gym. Mmm hmm. I felt fine. 

I even splurged on breakfast -- I made our classic "Toad in a Hole" (aka. A piece of bread with an egg fried right into the middle), some fresh watermelon and strawberries, and some heirloom tomatoes with olive oil, basil, and goat cheese feta. I know -- I was impressed with myself. Gotta have a breakfast to take pride in. *Will try and stop with Pride puns*

After that, it was an odd start to the day:

• Missed the 11:30 am Go Train.
• O'Neill helped a tourist carry her bags up a flight of stairs and her husband tipped him with an American $5 bill (Whoo hoo!)
• My camera batteries died right as we were going to take the first photos of the day. Did not come equipped with back-ups.
• Waited for, and caught, the 12:30 pm train. Got to be obscene and lather myself with sunscreen on our trip in. (I'm very pale and very obsessive about my skin care. And yeah, low-cut shirt + sunscreen = Fun for every commuter in our car.)
• Played "Spot the Other Queers" on our trek in to the city.
• Cruised in to Union Station at 1:15 pm. Opted for the subway to make sure we got to The Gaybourhood on time for the March.

OH MAN -- I tell you, it's such an amazing rush of excitement to step out of the subway station at Wellesley, especially during Pride. We were greeted with thudding bass lines, semi-naked women and men, and more rainbow flags than the eye could handle. It's just like when Dorothy Gale steps out of her hurricane-battered house and enters the colourful, magical world of Oz for the first time. I understand now why Judy Garland is considered a gay icon.

As we were walking down Yonge Street to the start of the March, we ran into some folks we'd known through various queer events/groups on campus. Hmm.... seems like that background story is better left to another post. All I can really say is, the group is definitely fun and energetic, but O'Neill and I just never clicked with them. We were two different worlds, it seems. Anyhow, regardless of that, we stuck with the crew and celebrated the March with them.

Oh, how exciting the roar of those motorcycles are. The Dyke March starts with this intense cavalcade of Dykes on Bikes. I WISH I had my camera at a moment like that -- the parade was held up for a minute or two (not sure why) and all these women from the sidewalks poured out onto the street to get their pictures taken with some of the dykes. There were studded jackets, bikini tops, riding crops, and Pride flags EVERYWHERE for a brief moment. I totally would have gotten O'Neill to snap a few shots of me right in the middle of the mayhem.

I got to see my Roller Derby gals, too. AND I found out later that the Toronto Newsgirls Boxing Club was in the March again this year!! They were the honoured group at the 2008 March and they returned for more girl-on-girl boxing action for 2009.

Nothing like fit women and a portable boxing ring to make any queer girl's heart sing.

I was beaming the entire time. What an experience it is to see queer, bi, and trans women of all backgrounds and age groups marching together and getting hollered at by all us ladies on the sidewalks. As you can see from the above photo, there are no barricades in place to separate the crowd from the procession, so there's this inclusive sort of energy that takes root. I mean, even though I was watching from the side lines, I still felt a part of the entire event. Haha, at least they didn't end this year's March with the entirely anti-social street cleaners that both metaphorically AND literally swept us away from the sidewalks.

After that, O'Neill and I headed down Church Street to check out the merchant stalls and to do a bit of crowd gazing. I feel like I'm gushing here, but it's still such a rush to be in the middle of the biggest queer gathering in Toronto -- I mean, you've got families with young children covered in rainbows; you've got the baby dykes and the twinks; there are the bears, the cougars, and all the cubs; you've got members from the 50+ queer groups; there are trans girls and bois; you've got straight allies showing their support -- EVERYONE is there. I always feel so fresh, energetic, and included during Pride. We were there for, what... maybe 5 hours or so, and I had this perma-smile plastered on me the entire time.

I even managed to pick up some of those rainbow, silicone bracelets in support of PFLAG. At long last, I own a piece of unabashedly queer-related jewelry. Haha, it was my goal to find an item this year and hey, it even supports an excellent organization that protects and informs queer youth and their families.

Had a late lunch/early dinner at a spot called Brownstone Bistro & Bar on Yonge St. It's classy, cafe fare with a clean and charming atmosphere. Had a grilled veggie, open-faced sandwich with a side salad and a bottle of Sleeman's Clear. (Yes, I'm obsessed with food -- can you tell? ;))

We took a second stroll down Church Street to get one last burst of Pride and then walked back to Union Station. It's such an amusing trek, I have to say. It's almost as if the volume on life gets turned down the further you walk from Church. And, I mean, that's not just because it's the Pride weekend -- even if it's a regular day, you can feel the mood shift. Not to mention, you can pick out fewer and fewer gay boys and girls the further you stray from the main hub of Church/Wellesley. You realize you're entering the "Real World" again. Paf.

Anyhow, we picked up some Dairy Queen at Union and hopped back on the train. O'Neill had to duck out once we got back to my place since he had plans with his boyfriend for today (Sunday, June 28). I'm still a bit down that I had to miss the main Parade for another year in a row. I've never actually had the chance to attend the big, blowout event that caps off the entire week. 2008 was the first time I'd ever attended ANY Pride events (that was for the Dyke March) and yeah, I'd been hoping to get to the main event this time around. 

I've decided that I need to find a lesbian entourage that will be available for the Pride parade. That, or I just need to come out to my high school friends since I know they'd all be down with the events. (I went to an arts' high school, we were/are all very liberal). 

It's something I still struggle with -- trying to find a niche for myself within the queer community. I mean, O'Neill and I are tight and I love the bond we've created as a couple of gay nerds. But, the same issues remain: A) There are only two of us to attend major events, and B) We both unintentionally cock-block one another. (e.g. I block all the boys from hitting on O'Neill and O'Neill blocks all the girls from hitting on me). HAHA, it's quite the conundrum. I think we just need to expand our ranks a little and then we'll be in a good place. Divide and conquer, that's what I vote for.

Alright, seems as though I've rambled quite a bit for this evening. Here's hoping that the rain during the day never dampened the energy of the LGBT kids in the city. Hope everyone had a crazy Pride weekend and I hope that the hangovers don't treat you too rough tomorrow morning for work. ;)

BRB

BRB -- TORONTO DYKE MARCH @ 2 PM.

Just found out this year's honoured group is the all-women's Toronto Roller Derby League.

SO. EXCITED.

*Rainbow fireworks!*

No. 1: Natalie Portman

Name: Natalie Portman

Date of Birth: 9 June, 1981

Hometown: Jerusalem, Israel/New York City, New York

Selected Career Credits:

• New York, I Love You (2008)... Rifka ("Mira Nair")
• The Other Boleyn Girl (2008)... Anne Boleyn
• Paris, je t'aime (2006)... Francine ("Faubourg Saint-Denis")
• V for Vendetta (2005)... Evey
• Closer (2004)... Alice
• Garden State (2004)... Sam

Harem Role: Head of the Harem Proper/ Chief Launderer

***

And here she is, the Golden Child of the Harem Proper. At long last, after about... three weeks of my teasing, we have reached the absolute pinnacle of hotness (well, according to my preferences, of course) and she is -- Natalie Portman.

Think about it:

• Overflowing with a natural, effortless talent for the dramtic arts
• Balances eloquence and grace with an equally adorable nerdiness
• Put her career on hold to obtain a bachelor's degree in Psychology.... FROM HARVARD
• Is a high-profile vegetarian and is an outspoken advocate for animal rights
• Travelled to Uganda, Guatemala, and Ecuador as the Ambassador of Hope for FINCA International
• Oh, and -- SHE'S SMOKIN' HOT.

Can't forget that last one, you know. Serious, though -- she's the kind of girl that intimidates the HELL out of me... which only makes me love and adore her even more.

I can still pinpoint the exact moment I became infatuated with the lovely Ms. Portman. I was only 11-years-old, smack dab in the middle of the Awkward Years. I was given a subscription to Seventeen magazine and was excited each month to flip through the high-gloss pages and dream of the day when I would be a ~teenager~ at last. What a glorious notion at the time.

I remember unfurling one particular issue of Seventeen with a cover that would brand itself into my mind and lay the groundwork for my future Harem.

Ladies and... well, ladies -- it was this exact photo of Natalie Portman that found its way to my mailbox on that fateful afternoon:

I know -- it's a simple headshot of a girl who was not a star, not quite yet. But I remember being so taken with her when I first saw the image. I had that breathless moment, a moment 

amplified by the fact I was nowhere close to even being out to myself. I was debating if I should include this photo in this particular post -- I mean, she's a young'un in that picture and I wanted to celebrate Ms. Portman as she is here and now. But this photo reminds me of those early days of my own self-discovery and I see it as one of those important markers in my coming out process. 

I mean, with that kind of legacy, is it any wonder she's my go-to gal?

Since that single moment back in grade 6, Natalie Portman has managed to orbit around the most influential periods in my life. I watched her in the newer Star Wars flicks through the ups and downs of high school living; I saw Closer in theatres around the time I was first accepting my queerness; I watched Garden State at a Sunday night cinema with the two guys who would become my closest allies during my undergrad; I spent St. Patrick's Day in 2005 walking 2 and a half hours back from seeing V for Vendetta -- it also happened to be the same moment I realized my one real try at the hetero-lifestyle was not going to click, ever. 

It's like the universe was pointing a giant, glowing arrow at Natalie Portman and saying, "YOU ARE SO GAY, MIZ MOFFATT, JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY."

Haha, this is turning into quite the origin rant. I hadn't intended on that, honestly. But, I suppose that proves why Natalie Portman is the uncontested Queen of the Harem Proper.

Alright -- that's my ramblin' for this evening. I shall leave you with some Portman gems for you to glance over. Please, do revel in the wonder that is NP. 

 I vote she wears her hair short from now on... serious, now.

OHHHH, the pink wig....I'm surprised I was able to walk out of the theatre after seeing that film. All you need is Clive Owen out of the scene, and it's perfect. 

I defy you to watch this clip and NOT fall wildly in love with Natalie's darker side. I mean, look at her -- she's feisty, frenetic, and she's frontin' a group of lovely ladies. I swear, she is perfect... and also apparently badass.

I was an English major/history minor during my undergrad and, when I found this picture, my head nearly exploded across the reams and reams of lecture notes strewn about my room.

***

And thus concludes the epic profiles dedicated to the gorgeous, radiant women of Miz Moffatt's Harem. Stop by the villa sometime for a visit -- make sure to bring your Harem with you, too.

No. 2: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Name: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Date of Birth: 16 November, 1977

Hometown: Lower East Side, New York City, New York

Selected Career Credits:

• Away We Go (2009)... LN
• The Dark Knight (2008)... Rachel Dawes
• Stranger Than Fiction (2006)... Ana Pascal
• Paris, je t'aime (2006)... Liz ("Quartier des Enfants Rouge")
• SherryBaby (2006)... Sherry Swanson
• Mona Lisa Smile (2003)... Giselle Levy
• Secretary (2002)... Lee Holloway
• Donnie Darko (2001)... Elizabeth Darko

Harem Role: Second-in-Command; Qualification Camp and Re-Qualification Camp Trainer

***

How intense -- I've left you all waiting with bated breath for an ENTIRE WEEK before revealing the absolute top of the Harem Proper. I've been such a neglectful blogette, especially considering PRIDE WEEK HAS ALREADY STARTED IN TORONTO. *Confetti* Much to discuss, indeed. 

And what a place to start.

Maggie Gyllenhaal -- she's quite possibly one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood at the moment and yet she is utterly stunning in every role she takes on. She's got this quiet spark to her, a compelling little something extra that can't be explained and is absolutely gorgeous to see.

I first came across Ms. Gyllenhaal through her role as Giselle Levy in Mona Lisa Smile. I know, I know -- if you've seen and loved Dead Poets' Society (and yes, I fall into this category), then you probably viewed this film as the "less remarkable, clunky, all-girl version" of the original film. I admit, I was harsh on this film before I saw it. It was released during a period of time where uplifting, unconventional teacher archetypes seemed to be EVERYWHERE. My family put this movie on one day and I grudgingly watched it -- yet, I didn't expect to find one of the future elite members of the Harem Proper there.

From that moment, I understood the lure of the woman known as Maggles. Despite being trapped in a film with... *Shudder, shudder*... Kirsten Dunst.... Maggie Gyllenhaal was able to shine and rise above the ranks of her co-stars (and the lead stars themselves). All she had to do was give a quick line and an impish smile or two and I was pulled in.

For the rest of the world, I can count on Secretary being Ms. Gyllenhaal's breakthrough role. How could it not be? I mean, hey -- a film that portrays a healthy, mutually-fulfilling BDSM relationship is bound to turn a few heads, I would presume.

Hrrm, for some odd reason, I can't embed a clip from Secretary on this blog. In any case, here's a link to her character's 'awakening' of sorts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16ISnq5GfPA

Oh, to be James Spader. *Envious girl* And if that weren't enough to secure her place in the nighttime thoughts of queer girls everywhere, perhaps her classic, pin-up style photo shoot for Agent Provocateur will convince you.

How? How did one woman manage to condense all the world's allotted hotness into one series of photographs? I don't know that the question can ever be answered, really. Heck, I'm surprised I can still form grammatically correct sentences at this point in my post. I broke out the big guns for this one, can you tell? It's Pride week, we all deserve an extra bit of queer, I would argue.

I think the one part that amazes me the most about Maggie Gyllenhaal is her ability to inhabit a wide range of roles with complete ease. She can balance sweetness and masochism without batting a lash (well, that is, unless she's told to bat a lash). 

In 2006 alone, she starred in an indie film where she portrayed a drug-addict thief struggling to pull her life together in order to reconnect with her daughter; she played the self-assured, comedic love interest to Will Ferrell's Harold Crick in Stranger Than Fiction; and she added her name and talent to a collection of short, quirky films dedicated to the wonder that is Paris. 

And, I'm sure you noticed her in that small film released in 2008. What was it called again?..... OH! Oh, that's right, it was The Dark Knight. That's right, kids -- not only did she turn down Bruce Wayne/Batman on screen, she was the one character to make a stand against The Joker himself. Come on now, I know you remember that defiant pose she mustered up after The Joker crashed Bruce Wayne's shindig. Mmm hmm. And she even had the gumption to make a quick one-liner after plummeting from a penthouse suite and landing on a car. Too. Awesome.

Again, if these weren't compelling reasons to fall madly in love with Maggles, perhaps her impressive involvement with various social causes will win you over. I mean, check it:

• She's a supporter of Witness, a non-profit organization that uses video and online technologies to expose human rights violations
• She's helped raise funds for TrickleUp.org, a non-profit organization that helps impoverished people start up a micro-enterprise
• In October 2008, she hosted "Fashionably Natural," a fashion show presented by Gen Art and SoyJoy in Los Angeles (where four designers worked with all-natural, eco-friendly fabrics and materials).

I could literally go on for hours with how magnificent I find all aspects of Ms. Gyllenhaal to be. But, I know I ought to leave you some space to discover her on your own, too.

Maggles, you make the Harem Proper a shinier, more beautiful place. I only hope you can teach the neophytes to be just as overwhelmingly charming as you.

And because I love her SO, so much, here is a lovely clip from Stranger Than Fiction for your to enjoy.

No. 3: Alicia Keys

Name: Alicia Keys

Date of Birth: 25 January, 1980

Hometown: New York City, New York

Selected Career Credits:

Discography:

• As I Am (2007)
• Unplugged (2005)
• The Diary of Alicia Keys (2003)
• Songs in A Minor (2001)

Selected Film Roles:

• The Secret Life of Bees (2008)... June Boatwright
• The Nanny Diaries (2007)... Lynette
• Smokin' Aces (2006)... Georgia Sykes

Harem Role: Cultural Liason/ Villa Lounge Singer

***

You knew there had to at least be one singer to grace the Harem Proper. Though, Alicia Keys is most certainly NOT a 'one-trick pony' -- her stellar singing voice and accomplished song writing capabilities may have earned and secured her fame, but her compelling presence on the silver screen has earned Ms. Keys award nominations and critical recognition in the dramatic arts as well. 

And hey, you know me -- I love a multi-talented woman of the arts. *Cartoon-y hearts*

My courtship with Ms. Keys was a slow-build - a natural progression - until she made her way into the Harem Proper. I've always been one to watch music videos and critique their better points as well as their shortcomings and, since she first entered the realm of popular music, Alicia Keys consistently ranked in the upper echelons. 

I loved her with the tougher, no-nonsense image from her youth and I love her now with her ultra-femme, chanteuse image of today.

But that VOICE -- if there's one valuable bit of information you must learn about me, it is the fact that I am an absolute sucker for voices. I often find myself falling for alluring voices even before I find myself physically attracted to another person. 

And Ms. Keys proves the point tenfold.

She's got this small rasp and an almost smoky quality to her vocal tones that comes through in both her singing and her speaking voices. I swear, I could sit and listen to her sing the phonebook and I would be in complete heaven.

Case and Point: Alicia Keys singing "Every Little Bit Hurts" on her Unplugged album:

*Difficulty thinking straight* -- Ha, I just realized that statement is also quite the pun on my part. Alicia Keys makes it difficult for ANY girl to think "straight," I can assure you of that.

So there -- angelic voice? Check. Killer curves to set the world on fire? Check. Epic style that features in her videos and in her public appearances? Check.

While all of these qualities are delightful in their own right, I think one of the hottest traits about Ms. Keys is her philanthropist pursuits and her dedication to various socio-political groups across the globe. 

In particular, Alicia Keys is the co-founder and Global Ambassador of Keep A Child Alive, a non-profit organization that provides medicine to families with HIV and AIDS in Africa. In 2008, her efforts in countries including Uganda, Kenya, and South Africa were documented for the film Alicia in Africa: Journey to the Motherland.

In addition to her own organization, Alicia Keys has donated endless hours and quite a chunk of change over the past decade to a wide variety of social programs and events designed to improve the lives of individuals everywhere, including:

• Donating funds to Frum tha Ground Up, a non-profit organization that helps children and teens with scholarships
• Performing at the Live 8 concert in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to pressure G8 leaders to focus on issues of poverty within Africa
• Performing for ReAct Now: Music & Relief and Shelter from the Storm: A Concert for the Gulf Coast in 2005
• Performing at the American leg of the Live Earth concerts
• Participating in the Nobel Peace Prize Concert at the Oslo Spektrum in Oslo, Norway on December 11, 2007

... And the list goes on.

Bold. Talented. Gorgeous. And she's instilled with a powerful sense of social consciousness. 

Bestill my beating heart.

Welcome to the Harem Proper, Ms. Keys. I only hope my Spanish villa will be large enough to furnish your numerous pursuits with ease. 

No. 4: Kate Kelton

Name: Kate Kelton

Date of Birth: 20 June, 1978

Hometown: Bamberg, Germany/Toronto, Ontario

Selected Career Credits:

• The Museum (2008)... Abby
• The Last Woman on Earth (2006)... Hannah
• Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)... Christy
• Eden's Wake (2004)
• American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002)... Clara

Harem Role: Breath Refreshment Commandant

***

Ah, Kate Kelton -- the absolute darling of the small screen. All it takes is a coy wink or a tiny smirk and Miz Moffatt will purchase any product you tell her to.

And I tell you, I've never desired breath mints so intensely in all my life.

To most, Ms. Kelton will forever be known by her unofficial moniker -- "Tic Tac Girl." As the first ever brunette to sell the preeminent brand of breath refreshment, Kate Kelton has certainly left an impact on North American pop culture.

I, like numerous others, tend to glaze over and fall into the happy, sparkly place in my mind whenever a new (or classic) Tic Tac commercial flashes before my eyes. Serious -- I have stopped mid-sentence in the presence of these ads. For fifteen to thirty entire seconds, I am dead to the world around me as I am gently persuaded to try a Tic Tac and win over a woman like Kate Kelton..... *Edges blur as a dream sequence commences*

... I..... what....... I can't remember.... where......I....... what was talking about...?

OH! Right, sorry -- Tic Tac Girl. I mean, Kate Kelton.

As for her acting credits, she tends to pop up in places you would least expect her. I mean, she's in the sequel to American Psycho, her hotness was challenged based on her rather disturbing washroom scene in Harold and Kumar, and she consistently appears in commercials selling everything from breath mints to Cadillacs. And, she's even appeared in music videos including Shaggy's infamous "It Wasn't Me" single. (Though, if you're keen on BDSM, I would suggest you check out J. Englishman's video for his single "Abused." Ha, there -- that should cover my Can. con. plug for this evening).

However, I would argue the most attractive part about Kate Kelton overall is her dedication to her first love: the visual arts. Before she launched herself into the world of Hollywood North (and Original Hollywood), Ms. Kelton was an arts student over at Ryerson. Even now, her talent and passion as a painter continues to drive her into new creative outlets for her career. 

If you cruise on over to her professional website or to her deviantART page, you can see for yourself why Kate Kelton is the Jill-of-all-Trades in the arts world.

sundawgs, one - Featured on deviantART

Gorgeous, thoughtful, artistic, and adventurous -- what more could you want in a woman?

Kate Kelton, the Harem Proper wouldn't be the same without your presence... nor your penchant for breath mints.

No. 5: Billie Piper

Name: Billie Piper

Date of Birth: 22 September, 1982

Hometown: Swindon, Wiltshire, England

Selected Career Credits:

• Doctor Who (2005-2010)... Rose Tyler
• Secret Diary of a Call Girl (2007-2008)... Belle
• Mansfield Park (2007)... Fanny Price
• The Ruby in the Smoke (2006)... Sally Lockhart

Harem Role: Chief Time/Space Traveller 

***

Billie Piper is one of those women who has always been on my radar. When I was young and first venturing into pop music and Top 40 radio, Ms. Piper made an impression on me with her catchy lyrics and cute, bubble gum image. Yes, indeed -- she started her career at the tender age of fifteen as a singer targeted toward the international tween set. Songs like "Because We Want To" and "Girlfriend" filtered their way to Canada via countdown shows (e.g. YTV's Hit List) right at the time when the Spice Girls, All Saints, and a host of other female-fronted pop groups were dominating the airwaves. I suppose she left her imprint on me back then, really.

And, it wasn't until this year that she found her way back to my attention and found her rightful place in the Harem Proper.

As I mentioned early, I am an outspoken and total nerd when it comes to all things sci fi. The Advocate, a close friend of mine since high school, managed to lure me into the world of Doctor Who over this past winter. I mean, heck -- aliens? Time AND space travel? Sharp, witty writing with complex plot lines? BRITISH ACCENTS??

I never stood a chance.

And there she was -- Billie Piper starred as Rose Tyler, the first of Doctor Who's travelling companions introduced for the revamped British classic. 

She lived through the first regeneration of the new Doctor.

She travelled to the furthest reaches of the Universe and won the heart of a troubled, lonely wanderer haunted by his past.

She battled the Cyber Men, the Daleks, and an entire host of other alien life forms threatening residents of London and the entire global community.

Heck, she even destroyed the MIND of SATAN and later infused herself with the time vortex to rescue the Universe even though it almost BURNT HER MIND OUT.

It's no wonder Who fans were devastated at the end of Season Two. I won't go into details because I think you, dear reader, should seek it out and watch it for yourself. I admit, I had trouble accepting the Doctor's companions after Rose. Her dedication, her fearlessness, and her impish sense of adventure were entirely endearing. It's a telling sign when the Doctor, a man who has travelled beyond all sense of the word, is still in love Rose two seasons AFTER her exit. 

In her latest project, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Billie Piper strips down her notorious 'girl-next-door' image and asserts herself as a sarcastic and sophisticated London escort attempting to balance her working life with the confines of the 'normal' world. While there's no doubt I was led to this show for less than noble reasons (I mean, hey -- I'm not dead to the world, I fancy women in delicate lingerie like any gay gal should), I can assure you that the Belle de Jour of the infamous blog/book would be proud of Billie Piper's work.

This post is making me want to abandon my job tomorrow and re-watch all of Season 1 and 2 of the new Doctor Who series. Confound you, Thursday. And confound your insistence on 8-5 office work.

In honour of her sheer loveliness (and hopefully to bait you into watching the show, too), I give you a small sampling of Rose Tyler. Oh, Billie Piper -- thank goodness you are in the Harem Proper.

No. 6: Zoe Bell

Name: Zoe Bell

Date of Birth: 17 November, 1978

Hometown: Waiheke Island, New Zealand

Selected Career Credits:

• Angel of Death (2009)... Eve
• Bitch Slap (2009)... Rawhide
• Death Proof (2007)... Zoe
• Planet Terror (2007)... Sicko Eating Paramedic #2
• Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004, stunt double for Uma Thurman)
• Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003, stunt double for Uma Thurman)
• Xena: Warrior Princess (1995, stunt double for Lucy Lawless)

Harem Role: Chief of Dangerous Endeavors

***

Hands down, Zoe Bell is THE MOST hardcore member of the Harem Proper. No one can surpass her physical stamina, her sordid past in the ER, nor her intimidating resume as Hollywood's leading stuntwoman. And she still manages to hold her own as a sweet and stunning starlet complete with a feature role AS HERSELF in a Tarantino film.

SO. FUCKING. AWESOME.

As any self-respecting, proto-lesbian youngster can attest to, I was glued to just about every new episode of Xena: Warrior Princess that aired. If the tight, short, leather outfit clinging to Lucy Lawless wasn't enough to hold my interest, I know those epic battle scenes waged against common men and Gods alike certainly caught my attention. I was a child attracted to tough as nails women, especially ones wielding swords and sharpened discs. Little did I know that Zoe Bell was the real grit and brass behind the fists that so fired up my... um, imagination.

I think it's safe to say that Zoe Bell became a household name in North America following her lead role in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof. I've always been a little wary of Tarantino films -- despite my penchant for wicked fight scenes, I tend to balk at the presence of gore. And... yeah, Tarantino tends to gravitate toward the gruesome side of cinema. But, really -- the lure of eight formidable, talented, and unabashedly gorgeous women helped me move past any reservations I might have had. 

Am I ever glad I did.

It's her cute, Kiwi accent and her palpable, radiant energy that draws you in -- and it's her white-knuckled ride atop a classic 1970 Dodge Challenger that seals the deal. Every time I think about the sequence, I fall further and further into my complete infatuation for Ms. Bell. I mean, it's the fact that it's HER gripping two leather belts and taking her life quite literally into her own hands during a high-speed chase scene that proves to be the pinnacle of hot for this blogette right here. 

Zoe Bell doesn't just play a daredevil -- she IS one. 

And she's got the scars to prove it.

I know Lady Blogs across the Internet have been buzzing about the upcoming film Bitch Slap. Oh, and which stunning Kiwi actress/stuntwoman is appearing as the fight club champion, Rawhide?

Mmm hmm.

And her weapon of choice?....... Her boots. 

HOT DAMN.

And for those of you who would like an extra peek into the life of the kickass Zoe Bell, watch this clip and marvel:

Ms. Bell -- oh, you are SO in the Harem Proper.

No. 7: Selma Blair

Name: Selma Blair

Date of Birth: 23 June, 1972

Hometown: Southfield, Michigan

Selected Career Credits:

• Kath and Kim (2008-2009)... Kim Day
• Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)... Liz Sherman
• Purple Violets (2007)... Patti Petalson
• Hellboy (2004)... Liz Sherman
• Cruel Intentions (1999)...Cecile Caldwell

Harem Role: Wardrobe Consultant

***

Selma Blair is... an enigma to the Harem Proper. I have to be honest -- her career choices have been.... well, questionable for the most part.

While most queer girls were first introduced to Ms. Blair through her infamous role as the naive, ditzy, girl-kissin' Cecile Caldwell of Cruel Intentions, I somehow managed to entirely miss that movie moment. I mean, I've seen quick clips of the 'cultural phenomenon' that was two over-privileged girls kissing each other to "practice" for the "real deal." *Yawn* Had I been a little older when the movie came out, I might have come around to Ms. Blair a little earlier. However, despite the kind of superficial titillation Cruel Intentions offered at the time, Selma Blair gets outstanding points for her recurring roles as lesbian characters. 

But, we are getting a little off topic.

I finally came around to the sharp, sleek sexiness of Selma Blair when I first saw her star as Liz Sherman in Hellboy. (Yes, it's the sci fi nerd emerging yet again). I mean, serious -- the woman can self-immolate. I mean, not that she harms herself with the fire she generates, but she could take out quite a legion of demons, nemeses, and a host of otherworldly bad guys attempting to take on the B.P.R.D. (that's Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense for anyone keeping tabs) and human civilization at large. 

Let's see:

• Supernatural abilities? Check.
• Wicked sense of sarcasm/humour? Check.
• Lesbian-ish makeover for Hellboy II? DOUBLE CHECK.

But, even then -- Hellboy II caught me off-guard in terms of Liz Sherman's character development. Her only plot line was the, "OHMYGOD! Liz is, like, totally pregnant with Hellboy's baby! Like, what's going to happen when Hellboy FINDS OUT?!1!" I mean, you have a woman who can transform herself into LIVING FIRE and you demote her to Hellboy's "baby mama"? For shame!

And then, there was Kath and Kim. *Shudder* Although, it would be wrong of me to discount the show entirely -- there was an episode there where Selma Blair strapped on some skates and dominated the world of Roller Derby. *Drool* But.... well...... yeah. Yeah. It was.... probably for the best that this show was never renewed.

Ah, but Selma Blair -- I will always hold out for you. She's got this magnetism to her that I can't shake. I swear, she can devastate with a single glance. I get the impression that, if provoked, she could take down her challengers with an extra bit of cut-eye. 

I can think of nothing hotter.

Selma Blair, even though I might disapprove of the... majority of the roles you take, I will always have your back. Ms. Blair, welcome to the seventh spot in the Harem Proper.

No. 8: Sarah Chalke

Name: Sarah Chalke

Date of Birth: 27 August, 1976

Hometown: Ottawa, Ontario

Selected Career Credits:

• How I Met Your Mother (9 Episodes, 2008-2009)... Stella Zinman
• Scrubs (2001-2009)... Dr. Elliot Reid
• Scrubs: Interns (5 Episodes, 2009)... Dr. Elliot Reid
• Prop 8: The Musical (2008)... Scary Catholic School Girls From Hell
• Clone High (3 Episodes, 2002-2003)... Marie Antoinette

Harem Role: Harem Doctor/Caregiver

***

Alright, so Sarah Chalke has ample experience as a physician/healthcare professional in TV Land. In fact, this penchant for doctor characters has landed her the unique privilege of tending to the ill and ailing of the Harem World. It cannot be denied -- Ms. Chalke knows how to rock a pair of scrubs. And a white lab coat. And... hell, she could rock a parka and snowshoes, even -- I'm that convinced of her epic radiance.

But, Sarah Chalke proves time and again that she is far more than a pretty face. Though, don't get me wrong -- she's definitely got a pretty face, too. 

I first noticed Ms. Chalke as I'm sure most individuals did -- after being drawn into the quirky, surreal world of a group of fledgling interns on Scrubs, it was only a matter of time before Dr. Elliot Reid stole my focus and won her place in The Harem Proper. Even before Dr. Reid's glamourous, ultra-femme makeover (um, hi -- you remember that black tank top, choppy hair look, right?), I was taken in by the awkward charm and the beautiful mess that IS Elliot. 

She's neurotic. She's anal-retentive. She's the overachiever who strives for approval and credit in the Boys' Club of Medicine. And.... well, like the rest of the cast, she's physically and socially clumsy ALL OF THE TIME.

And yet, it's the flaws and faults that make Dr. Reid gorgeous. 

I love that she becomes supersonic when she's stressed. 

I love her spastic outbursts and the prudish way she censors "dirty" words.

Hell, I even love the fact that she gets nose bleeds during vital career interviews and then proceeds to sneeze across her future employer.

I would gladly be the apple thief to her cider house/orchard owner, without a doubt. I mean, FRICK -- IT'S SARAH CHALKE, HERE!

And, for your viewing pleasure -- it's Dr. Reid's stunning metamorphosis from introverted intern to the Badass of the Medical Field. Sarah Chalke, thank you for donning those scrubs for all these years. 

No. 9: Erin Karpluk

Name: Erin Karpluk

Date of Birth: 17 October, 1978

Hometown: Jasper, Alberta

Selected Career Credits:

• Being Erica (2009)... Erica Strange
  
• The L Word (3 Episodes, 2008)... Alysse
• Bionic Woman (2 Episodes, 2007)... Robin
• Godiva's (2005-2006)... Kate (Leo and Gemini Nominations)

Harem Role: In Charge of Timmie's Runs.

***

Oh, Erin Karpluk. I first discovered Ms. Karpluk when the CBC was pushing her as the new Golden Child of Canadian Television. I remember catching quick glances of her on posters around Toronto and on the sides of buses and the like. People seemed to be buzzing at the thought of the new show, Being Erica -- who was this girl in the gleaming red dress, the one bombarding all our public spaces with her image? I was intrigued, to say the least. So, I tuned in and there she was -- a future member of the Harem Proper.

Being Erica focuses on the trials and tribulations of a thirty-something woman named Erica Strange. She is a woman plagued by regrets and overwhelmed by her lot in life. She begins therapy sessions only to discover that her counsellor (Michael Riley) has the power to send her back through time to alter events from her past. While the premise might sound a little too fairy-tale at first glance, the subject matter is handled in a compelling way -- while Erica can change these events, she never rids herself of regret. Instead, her decisions lead to new problems she had never foreseen. Old challenges give way to new issues she must overcome in order to find peace within herself.

And Erin Karpluk handles the character beautifully.  

She's the good, Canadian girl-next-door with a bit of sass and a willingness to embrace life and explore her darker side in order to bring light into her life. I could feel the slow pull of attraction with each new episode I watched until I knew she'd found her place in The Harem. AND, I must note -- Being Erica outdid itself with one particular episode titled "Everything She Wants."

Episode in a Nutshell: In the present, Erica is dating a man she is physically attracted to, but not emotionally --> Erica remembers Cassidy, a friend she'd been emotionally attracted to, but could not establish a physical spark with. Both women drifted apart after a New Year's Eve incident. "Resolution": Admits her love for her best (guy) friend, Ethan (Aka. the man she is connected with on both levels) --> He admits he's trying to work things out with his ex-ish wife.

Why do I bother with this rundown?

Watch. Watch and drool:

I. HEART. YOU. CBC.

Erin Karpluk -- Welcome to Miz Moffatt's Harem Proper. I look forward to your domination of the CBC and future episodes of the all-too-adorable Being Erica. I say we celebrate with some tea and Timbits.

Harem Rankings: A Rough Guide

Overall, The Harem can be divided into three main categories:

• The Harem Proper
  
• Qualification Camp
  
• Re-Qualification Camp
  

The Harem Proper

In the first category, members have achieved full Harem titles and privileges. Since Chantal and I will be living in a Spanish villa/palace once we have found suitable real estate, these Harem members are entitled to their own suites within our lavish abode. 

As a general rule, the Number One Harem Member must oversee all laundry duties for the opposing Harem (i.e. Taylor Hanson of Chantal's Harem is in charge of my Harem's laundry). The Number Two Harem Member is in charge of training Qualification Camp neophytes and re-training fallen Harem Members. All other Harem Members are given various titles/duties based on their talents and areas of interest. 

Rankings are subject to change at the discretion of either myself or Chantal (and trust me -- we will literally discuss Harem additions/shuffles for hours on end, if need be)

Qualification Camp

Potential members seeking Harem status are enrolled into our Qualification Camp training program. The Number Two Harem Member is responsible for introducing neophytes to the Inner Sanctum of Hotness and applying rigorous training practices to ensure each newbie is prepared for Harem life. 

Individuals invited to Qualification Camp are NOT guaranteed a position within the Harem Proper. Their success is based on their accolades and past successes, the calibre of their present and future career choices, and their continued adherence to all things hot.

Qualification Camp Members are housed in a comfortable, lavish pool house on the villa compound. Upon successful completion of the training program, neophytes are invited into the villa itself and will have a rank and title assigned to them. Should a Qualification Camp Member fail in their training courses, the individual will be removed from the compound until further notice.

Re-Qualification Camp

Members of the Harem Proper are bound to fall or falter. We are human -- mistakes will be made, public errors will arise, and hotness will wane. On occasion, members require re-training and will subsequently receive "refresher" courses to boost their hotness once again. However, should their hotness drop below acceptable levels, said member will be removed from the compound until further notice.

Re-Qualification Camp Members are relegated to a shack at the furthest end of the villa compound. A large weeping willow tree protects them and feeds off of their tears at night. Quite a pretty sight, is it not?

***

So there -- consider yourself informed. And, on that note, I do believe it's time for Harem introductions all around.