What Makes a Lesbian Heart Weep

Tonight's topic stems from a discussion launched over at AfterEllen.com. Queer ladies voiced their opinions in response to Freeman Hall's latest book, Stuff that Makes A Gay Heart Weep. From Britney Spears and capri pants, to cheap vodka and a day without Bravo TV, Hall makes a compelling case for the gay stereotypes in popular culture.

But, as with a great deal of queer content in the world, what of the gay ladies? Books like these make the gay = male market clear, much to the chagrin of the lady lovin' ladies out there --> AfterEllen.com chose to make their case for the broken heart of the gay gal.

Most of their list revolves around regular AfterEllen.com subjects/complaints about celebrities and pop culture:

• Katy Perry's offensiveness, especially to the queer gals
• Ilene Chaiken and her obnoxious, unrealistic portrayal of lesbian women
• Celebrities assumed to be queer and will not "formally" come out (Eg. Jodie Foster, Queen Latifah)
• The stunning void on mainstream television when it comes to well-developed, fully-realized lesbian characters (as opposed to our gentleman counterparts in the queer community)

While I agree with the last point, I find the rest of the list leans toward the irrelevant. To quote the Moffatt family motto: "Who cares?" We know of Katy Perry's famous ignorance, we know Ilene Chaiken lives in a bizarre world of lesbian drama, and we know a massive Coming Out Day among closeted celebs could make a difference.

I get it.

But, I think our issues as queer ladies are a touch larger than those piddly, pop culture references.

And lo, it is time to break out the patented Moffatt List of "What Makes a Lesbian Heart Weep":

1. Divisions within the Queer Community

The first bullet point on the list also cancels out the relevance of this exercise, I know. I think a large number of queer kids can commiserate with me when I say "community" events resemble the co-ed parties of grade school kids -- ladies on one side, gents on the other side. We act like oil and water in social settings which, yes, I get to some degree. I want to hit on girls, so it makes sense to get close to said ladies. I imagine gents want the same thing from the other gentlemen at these events. What I am referring to is the lack of civility between both camps. Friendships between gay gals and gay boys are treated as anomalies, and general antagonism runs just below the surface of our shindigs. I like the dynamics of mixed company, and I think the queer crowd benefits from the sex/gender diversity therein. So, why the bad blood?

... Which leads me to:

2. Lesbian Exclusivity

I weep as a lesbian to see how queer ladies isolate themselves from the world due to a "strength in numbers" mentality. Again, I understand the rationale -- queer women tend to be underrepresented in our culture, and there are not enough spaces dedicated to lesbian/bi girl culture in general. I understand the desire to find like-minded women, and I do find it an attractive notion to be knee-deep in a lesbian oasis of sorts. What I don't get is the air of exclusivity surrounding these cliques (and yes, I would go so far as to label them "cliques"). We all know a "gold star" from a "silver star," as if we need to earn our rank. We have the "baby dykes" who might always carry that label with them, even if they're out for decades. I've witnessed blatant hostility against bi-identified women, and I've felt the suspicion from women who could not grasp the fact I am best friends with a gay man. I know I'm queer. I like being queer. I like hanging out with all people, regardless of their sex/gender/orientation, and I would rather avoid groups who view that stance with suspicion.

3. The Politics of "Passing"

As I stated earlier, I like being a gay gal. Women tend to coax out the best in me, and women encourage me to accomplish more (you know, so I can impress them and all that great stuff, *grin*) -- but the number of times my queerness has been questioned tends to erode that self-confidence. This point ties into the aforementioned "Lesbian Exclusivity" pervading the inner sanctums of gay girl cliques. Somehow, I "pass" in the minds of queer people. Perhaps I need to sew the URL to Cute, Queer, Canadian onto my winter jacket, just to make it clear I am of the fabulous persuasion. The issue stems from the idea we either need to fit a certain preconceived image of a Lesbian to be accepted into the group or we will face social isolation forevermore. Queer gals come from all background with a gorgeous array of style -- I want to be with women who embrace those aspects of themselves, and I want to meet women who won't judge me for the femme-ish look/butch-esque perspective blend that I am.

***

I could go on with this list, but those are the top three reasons this lesbian heart of mine weeps. How about you, dear reader? What causes your queer heart to weep? I'll go grab the ice cream for us both and meet you back in the comments section.