No. 5: Billie Piper

Name: Billie Piper

Date of Birth: 22 September, 1982

Hometown: Swindon, Wiltshire, England

Selected Career Credits:

• Doctor Who (2005-2010)... Rose Tyler
• Secret Diary of a Call Girl (2007-2008)... Belle
• Mansfield Park (2007)... Fanny Price
• The Ruby in the Smoke (2006)... Sally Lockhart

Harem Role: Chief Time/Space Traveller 

***

Billie Piper is one of those women who has always been on my radar. When I was young and first venturing into pop music and Top 40 radio, Ms. Piper made an impression on me with her catchy lyrics and cute, bubble gum image. Yes, indeed -- she started her career at the tender age of fifteen as a singer targeted toward the international tween set. Songs like "Because We Want To" and "Girlfriend" filtered their way to Canada via countdown shows (e.g. YTV's Hit List) right at the time when the Spice Girls, All Saints, and a host of other female-fronted pop groups were dominating the airwaves. I suppose she left her imprint on me back then, really.

And, it wasn't until this year that she found her way back to my attention and found her rightful place in the Harem Proper.

As I mentioned early, I am an outspoken and total nerd when it comes to all things sci fi. The Advocate, a close friend of mine since high school, managed to lure me into the world of Doctor Who over this past winter. I mean, heck -- aliens? Time AND space travel? Sharp, witty writing with complex plot lines? BRITISH ACCENTS??

I never stood a chance.

And there she was -- Billie Piper starred as Rose Tyler, the first of Doctor Who's travelling companions introduced for the revamped British classic. 

She lived through the first regeneration of the new Doctor.

She travelled to the furthest reaches of the Universe and won the heart of a troubled, lonely wanderer haunted by his past.

She battled the Cyber Men, the Daleks, and an entire host of other alien life forms threatening residents of London and the entire global community.

Heck, she even destroyed the MIND of SATAN and later infused herself with the time vortex to rescue the Universe even though it almost BURNT HER MIND OUT.

It's no wonder Who fans were devastated at the end of Season Two. I won't go into details because I think you, dear reader, should seek it out and watch it for yourself. I admit, I had trouble accepting the Doctor's companions after Rose. Her dedication, her fearlessness, and her impish sense of adventure were entirely endearing. It's a telling sign when the Doctor, a man who has travelled beyond all sense of the word, is still in love Rose two seasons AFTER her exit. 

In her latest project, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Billie Piper strips down her notorious 'girl-next-door' image and asserts herself as a sarcastic and sophisticated London escort attempting to balance her working life with the confines of the 'normal' world. While there's no doubt I was led to this show for less than noble reasons (I mean, hey -- I'm not dead to the world, I fancy women in delicate lingerie like any gay gal should), I can assure you that the Belle de Jour of the infamous blog/book would be proud of Billie Piper's work.

This post is making me want to abandon my job tomorrow and re-watch all of Season 1 and 2 of the new Doctor Who series. Confound you, Thursday. And confound your insistence on 8-5 office work.

In honour of her sheer loveliness (and hopefully to bait you into watching the show, too), I give you a small sampling of Rose Tyler. Oh, Billie Piper -- thank goodness you are in the Harem Proper.

No. 6: Zoe Bell

Name: Zoe Bell

Date of Birth: 17 November, 1978

Hometown: Waiheke Island, New Zealand

Selected Career Credits:

• Angel of Death (2009)... Eve
• Bitch Slap (2009)... Rawhide
• Death Proof (2007)... Zoe
• Planet Terror (2007)... Sicko Eating Paramedic #2
• Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004, stunt double for Uma Thurman)
• Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003, stunt double for Uma Thurman)
• Xena: Warrior Princess (1995, stunt double for Lucy Lawless)

Harem Role: Chief of Dangerous Endeavors

***

Hands down, Zoe Bell is THE MOST hardcore member of the Harem Proper. No one can surpass her physical stamina, her sordid past in the ER, nor her intimidating resume as Hollywood's leading stuntwoman. And she still manages to hold her own as a sweet and stunning starlet complete with a feature role AS HERSELF in a Tarantino film.

SO. FUCKING. AWESOME.

As any self-respecting, proto-lesbian youngster can attest to, I was glued to just about every new episode of Xena: Warrior Princess that aired. If the tight, short, leather outfit clinging to Lucy Lawless wasn't enough to hold my interest, I know those epic battle scenes waged against common men and Gods alike certainly caught my attention. I was a child attracted to tough as nails women, especially ones wielding swords and sharpened discs. Little did I know that Zoe Bell was the real grit and brass behind the fists that so fired up my... um, imagination.

I think it's safe to say that Zoe Bell became a household name in North America following her lead role in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof. I've always been a little wary of Tarantino films -- despite my penchant for wicked fight scenes, I tend to balk at the presence of gore. And... yeah, Tarantino tends to gravitate toward the gruesome side of cinema. But, really -- the lure of eight formidable, talented, and unabashedly gorgeous women helped me move past any reservations I might have had. 

Am I ever glad I did.

It's her cute, Kiwi accent and her palpable, radiant energy that draws you in -- and it's her white-knuckled ride atop a classic 1970 Dodge Challenger that seals the deal. Every time I think about the sequence, I fall further and further into my complete infatuation for Ms. Bell. I mean, it's the fact that it's HER gripping two leather belts and taking her life quite literally into her own hands during a high-speed chase scene that proves to be the pinnacle of hot for this blogette right here. 

Zoe Bell doesn't just play a daredevil -- she IS one. 

And she's got the scars to prove it.

I know Lady Blogs across the Internet have been buzzing about the upcoming film Bitch Slap. Oh, and which stunning Kiwi actress/stuntwoman is appearing as the fight club champion, Rawhide?

Mmm hmm.

And her weapon of choice?....... Her boots. 

HOT DAMN.

And for those of you who would like an extra peek into the life of the kickass Zoe Bell, watch this clip and marvel:

Ms. Bell -- oh, you are SO in the Harem Proper.

No. 7: Selma Blair

Name: Selma Blair

Date of Birth: 23 June, 1972

Hometown: Southfield, Michigan

Selected Career Credits:

• Kath and Kim (2008-2009)... Kim Day
• Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)... Liz Sherman
• Purple Violets (2007)... Patti Petalson
• Hellboy (2004)... Liz Sherman
• Cruel Intentions (1999)...Cecile Caldwell

Harem Role: Wardrobe Consultant

***

Selma Blair is... an enigma to the Harem Proper. I have to be honest -- her career choices have been.... well, questionable for the most part.

While most queer girls were first introduced to Ms. Blair through her infamous role as the naive, ditzy, girl-kissin' Cecile Caldwell of Cruel Intentions, I somehow managed to entirely miss that movie moment. I mean, I've seen quick clips of the 'cultural phenomenon' that was two over-privileged girls kissing each other to "practice" for the "real deal." *Yawn* Had I been a little older when the movie came out, I might have come around to Ms. Blair a little earlier. However, despite the kind of superficial titillation Cruel Intentions offered at the time, Selma Blair gets outstanding points for her recurring roles as lesbian characters. 

But, we are getting a little off topic.

I finally came around to the sharp, sleek sexiness of Selma Blair when I first saw her star as Liz Sherman in Hellboy. (Yes, it's the sci fi nerd emerging yet again). I mean, serious -- the woman can self-immolate. I mean, not that she harms herself with the fire she generates, but she could take out quite a legion of demons, nemeses, and a host of otherworldly bad guys attempting to take on the B.P.R.D. (that's Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense for anyone keeping tabs) and human civilization at large. 

Let's see:

• Supernatural abilities? Check.
• Wicked sense of sarcasm/humour? Check.
• Lesbian-ish makeover for Hellboy II? DOUBLE CHECK.

But, even then -- Hellboy II caught me off-guard in terms of Liz Sherman's character development. Her only plot line was the, "OHMYGOD! Liz is, like, totally pregnant with Hellboy's baby! Like, what's going to happen when Hellboy FINDS OUT?!1!" I mean, you have a woman who can transform herself into LIVING FIRE and you demote her to Hellboy's "baby mama"? For shame!

And then, there was Kath and Kim. *Shudder* Although, it would be wrong of me to discount the show entirely -- there was an episode there where Selma Blair strapped on some skates and dominated the world of Roller Derby. *Drool* But.... well...... yeah. Yeah. It was.... probably for the best that this show was never renewed.

Ah, but Selma Blair -- I will always hold out for you. She's got this magnetism to her that I can't shake. I swear, she can devastate with a single glance. I get the impression that, if provoked, she could take down her challengers with an extra bit of cut-eye. 

I can think of nothing hotter.

Selma Blair, even though I might disapprove of the... majority of the roles you take, I will always have your back. Ms. Blair, welcome to the seventh spot in the Harem Proper.

No. 8: Sarah Chalke

Name: Sarah Chalke

Date of Birth: 27 August, 1976

Hometown: Ottawa, Ontario

Selected Career Credits:

• How I Met Your Mother (9 Episodes, 2008-2009)... Stella Zinman
• Scrubs (2001-2009)... Dr. Elliot Reid
• Scrubs: Interns (5 Episodes, 2009)... Dr. Elliot Reid
• Prop 8: The Musical (2008)... Scary Catholic School Girls From Hell
• Clone High (3 Episodes, 2002-2003)... Marie Antoinette

Harem Role: Harem Doctor/Caregiver

***

Alright, so Sarah Chalke has ample experience as a physician/healthcare professional in TV Land. In fact, this penchant for doctor characters has landed her the unique privilege of tending to the ill and ailing of the Harem World. It cannot be denied -- Ms. Chalke knows how to rock a pair of scrubs. And a white lab coat. And... hell, she could rock a parka and snowshoes, even -- I'm that convinced of her epic radiance.

But, Sarah Chalke proves time and again that she is far more than a pretty face. Though, don't get me wrong -- she's definitely got a pretty face, too. 

I first noticed Ms. Chalke as I'm sure most individuals did -- after being drawn into the quirky, surreal world of a group of fledgling interns on Scrubs, it was only a matter of time before Dr. Elliot Reid stole my focus and won her place in The Harem Proper. Even before Dr. Reid's glamourous, ultra-femme makeover (um, hi -- you remember that black tank top, choppy hair look, right?), I was taken in by the awkward charm and the beautiful mess that IS Elliot. 

She's neurotic. She's anal-retentive. She's the overachiever who strives for approval and credit in the Boys' Club of Medicine. And.... well, like the rest of the cast, she's physically and socially clumsy ALL OF THE TIME.

And yet, it's the flaws and faults that make Dr. Reid gorgeous. 

I love that she becomes supersonic when she's stressed. 

I love her spastic outbursts and the prudish way she censors "dirty" words.

Hell, I even love the fact that she gets nose bleeds during vital career interviews and then proceeds to sneeze across her future employer.

I would gladly be the apple thief to her cider house/orchard owner, without a doubt. I mean, FRICK -- IT'S SARAH CHALKE, HERE!

And, for your viewing pleasure -- it's Dr. Reid's stunning metamorphosis from introverted intern to the Badass of the Medical Field. Sarah Chalke, thank you for donning those scrubs for all these years. 

No. 9: Erin Karpluk

Name: Erin Karpluk

Date of Birth: 17 October, 1978

Hometown: Jasper, Alberta

Selected Career Credits:

• Being Erica (2009)... Erica Strange
  
• The L Word (3 Episodes, 2008)... Alysse
• Bionic Woman (2 Episodes, 2007)... Robin
• Godiva's (2005-2006)... Kate (Leo and Gemini Nominations)

Harem Role: In Charge of Timmie's Runs.

***

Oh, Erin Karpluk. I first discovered Ms. Karpluk when the CBC was pushing her as the new Golden Child of Canadian Television. I remember catching quick glances of her on posters around Toronto and on the sides of buses and the like. People seemed to be buzzing at the thought of the new show, Being Erica -- who was this girl in the gleaming red dress, the one bombarding all our public spaces with her image? I was intrigued, to say the least. So, I tuned in and there she was -- a future member of the Harem Proper.

Being Erica focuses on the trials and tribulations of a thirty-something woman named Erica Strange. She is a woman plagued by regrets and overwhelmed by her lot in life. She begins therapy sessions only to discover that her counsellor (Michael Riley) has the power to send her back through time to alter events from her past. While the premise might sound a little too fairy-tale at first glance, the subject matter is handled in a compelling way -- while Erica can change these events, she never rids herself of regret. Instead, her decisions lead to new problems she had never foreseen. Old challenges give way to new issues she must overcome in order to find peace within herself.

And Erin Karpluk handles the character beautifully.  

She's the good, Canadian girl-next-door with a bit of sass and a willingness to embrace life and explore her darker side in order to bring light into her life. I could feel the slow pull of attraction with each new episode I watched until I knew she'd found her place in The Harem. AND, I must note -- Being Erica outdid itself with one particular episode titled "Everything She Wants."

Episode in a Nutshell: In the present, Erica is dating a man she is physically attracted to, but not emotionally --> Erica remembers Cassidy, a friend she'd been emotionally attracted to, but could not establish a physical spark with. Both women drifted apart after a New Year's Eve incident. "Resolution": Admits her love for her best (guy) friend, Ethan (Aka. the man she is connected with on both levels) --> He admits he's trying to work things out with his ex-ish wife.

Why do I bother with this rundown?

Watch. Watch and drool:

I. HEART. YOU. CBC.

Erin Karpluk -- Welcome to Miz Moffatt's Harem Proper. I look forward to your domination of the CBC and future episodes of the all-too-adorable Being Erica. I say we celebrate with some tea and Timbits.

Harem Rankings: A Rough Guide

Overall, The Harem can be divided into three main categories:

• The Harem Proper
  
• Qualification Camp
  
• Re-Qualification Camp
  

The Harem Proper

In the first category, members have achieved full Harem titles and privileges. Since Chantal and I will be living in a Spanish villa/palace once we have found suitable real estate, these Harem members are entitled to their own suites within our lavish abode. 

As a general rule, the Number One Harem Member must oversee all laundry duties for the opposing Harem (i.e. Taylor Hanson of Chantal's Harem is in charge of my Harem's laundry). The Number Two Harem Member is in charge of training Qualification Camp neophytes and re-training fallen Harem Members. All other Harem Members are given various titles/duties based on their talents and areas of interest. 

Rankings are subject to change at the discretion of either myself or Chantal (and trust me -- we will literally discuss Harem additions/shuffles for hours on end, if need be)

Qualification Camp

Potential members seeking Harem status are enrolled into our Qualification Camp training program. The Number Two Harem Member is responsible for introducing neophytes to the Inner Sanctum of Hotness and applying rigorous training practices to ensure each newbie is prepared for Harem life. 

Individuals invited to Qualification Camp are NOT guaranteed a position within the Harem Proper. Their success is based on their accolades and past successes, the calibre of their present and future career choices, and their continued adherence to all things hot.

Qualification Camp Members are housed in a comfortable, lavish pool house on the villa compound. Upon successful completion of the training program, neophytes are invited into the villa itself and will have a rank and title assigned to them. Should a Qualification Camp Member fail in their training courses, the individual will be removed from the compound until further notice.

Re-Qualification Camp

Members of the Harem Proper are bound to fall or falter. We are human -- mistakes will be made, public errors will arise, and hotness will wane. On occasion, members require re-training and will subsequently receive "refresher" courses to boost their hotness once again. However, should their hotness drop below acceptable levels, said member will be removed from the compound until further notice.

Re-Qualification Camp Members are relegated to a shack at the furthest end of the villa compound. A large weeping willow tree protects them and feeds off of their tears at night. Quite a pretty sight, is it not?

***

So there -- consider yourself informed. And, on that note, I do believe it's time for Harem introductions all around.

Enter: THE HAREM

While my blog is still young and nubile, I feel it is time to introduce: The Harem.

The Harem was founded in 2005, back when I was a fresh-faced, immature 15-year-old arts school kid who daydreamed about famous celebrities fawning her (meaning ME). And, well.... not a whole lot.... has changed... since then, save for my metabolism... and perhaps my taste in celebrities.

The concept of The Harem was alluring to me at that age. I mean, a whole flock of gorgeous, talented, intelligent individuals dedicating their love and obedience to YOU ALONE??! Heck, sign me up. And sign up I did.

And thus, I recruited my friends to an on-going joke that spans my high school, undergraduate, and full-time working careers.

Granted, at the time of The Harem's creation, I was still VERY heavily closeted and so, my Harem took the form of extremely pretty, effeminate male celebrities (RE: Orlando Bloom as Legolas in Lord of the Rings.) Yeah. And I was still surprised Chantal already knew I was queer BEFORE I came out to her in the summer of 2008. *Shakes head at herself*

Anyhow, as I have grown to accept and embrace my beautiful queerness, my Harem has blossomed to reflect my true self. Oh, um.... and there are some smokin' hot ladies there that deserve ample space on this blog. Mmm hmm.

Over the next, oh... two weeks, I will document my Harem as it stands now. The countdown will start from the lower ranks and progress to the upper echelons. Later, I'll even detail the ladies of my Qualification Camp. And, after that sentence, I realize I will need to provide a more detailed entry explaining the Harem's ranking system. This is an elaborate inside joke that has developed between Chantal and I over... about eight or nine years, but it provides some vital information to the structure of the Harem overall.

Anyhow, prepare thyself for hotness galore as of tomorrow. ;)