Retro Post

It's Retro Night here at Cute, Queer, Canadian. There are detailed, modern posts in the works for the week ahead, but I thought a little retro action would be fun as well.

This post hearkens back to the old LiveJournal account. I maintained that space for the length of those undergrad years after which I abandoned it for this delightful, very gay format. I created a series of semi-secret, "Q Cru" posts as an outlet for all the gaieties of third- and fourth-year.

And now, I invite readers to scan over one of the cuter posts from back then.

This one was written October 9th, 2007 after a quick jaunt to the local, on-campus convenience store for some sweets. *Teehee*

***

Despite my awful hair day (and I do mean AWFUL..... as in, I already need another hair cut and it's only the start of October)........ but yes, DESPITE that nonsense --

I came within inches of becoming the knight(ess?) to a couple of British ladies who couldn't get the finicky doors to the East apartments open. Mmm hmmm!

As I was approaching the doors (on my way for candy.... and yes, it was well worth the trip for some chocolate-covered ju jubes. Haha, so much sugar), my little ears picked up the British accent. *Sigh* They were laughing over the fact that neither of them could move the key/pick the RIGHT key for the lock. So, naturally, being the lovely girl that I am, I arrived just in the nick of time to help them out of this little jam *Devil horns rise from under her glowing halo*

All I needed was the "So-rreh, cud you open tha daah fahr'us?" (or, "Sorry, could you open the door for us" to anyone who doesn't speak 'British phonetics'). And I was JUST about to unlock the door when some guy came down the stairs, saw us all standing there, and then pushed the door open for us. Whatever, buddy. Thanks. Those were not YOUR British girls. Geeze. :p

.... If I had beaten him to the door, I would have let them go first and totally played the gentleman. ;)

***

Ah, the younger Moffatt. I do miss that aspect of school. I miss those random crushes you'd discover across campus or through classes and such. The adult world does not seem to encourage this as readily. I think we could gain quite a lot if we returned to those giggly, bubbly days.

*Content sigh*

Gay Gal, Straight-ish Past: The Reconciliation Act

There's a new issue that's presented itself since I first started my campaign to out myself en masse -- what to do with this straight-ish past of mine?

Now, granted -- I do not possess a detailed dating past. AT ALL. In fact, the longest relationship I've ever been in was exactly five months.

(It was a relationship that should have ended after three weeks.)

Mmm hmm.

Still though, I'm faltering with the whole reconciliation of past and present. I mean, I went through about a four- or five-year period where I genuinely identified as a bi woman. I faced and fought biphobia within the queer community on our campus, I tried one doomed relationship with a boy I lived with in second year, and I eventually realized I was DEFINITELY a gay gal after one magical night of spin the bottle.

After the whirling internal confusion and the pressing external evidence, I came to the one conclusion: When I pictured how I wanted to be loved and how I wanted to relate with a partner, I could only see a woman there.

And I've never looked back.

However, I still hesitate to talk about that younger version of myself. She was the girl who gossiped about boys and wrote about her "dream guy" to her journals and obsessed over her perceived failure when it came to attracting the gents. I find that girl to be a distant echo or some kind of blurry figure against my current horizons.

But there are still real emotions there. When I talk about the guy I dated in second year, I still feel that sharp embarrassment while remembering what I put up with. And I still sense that awkwardness and that desire to never speak with him again. I mean, I am certain he's a heavily closeted gay man -- takes one former closet case to know another, right? So, why is there still a lingering hurt when I think of that time? And why do I struggle to talk about those experiences in the present tense?

Even if I wasn't outright attracted to him, how do I speak about a past hetero relationship without compromising this genuine life as a queer woman?

I know that my identity as a queer woman is one of those fundamental, central visions of myself. I don't question that at all. It's just those high school crushes and that weird period as a straight girlfriend that's throwing me off.

I'm curious to know if this is a common concern among queer women who have dated men in the past. Can you reconcile both versions of yourself, or do you choose to ignore those days as a misguided youth? Are you willing to discuss those times in detail, or do you just focus on your more recent relationships with women?

Mmm... identity politics are best mulled over before an epic weekend. T.G.I.F. indeed.