Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts

Monday, February 21, 2011

Born this Way—Even if the Photos Lie


I know everyone and their queer aunt has landed on the Born This Way photo blog/essay in the last month now, but I wanted to toss in a thought or two on the subject for the record (since that's what us nosy bloggettes are notorious for).

Once a queer kid has taken the steps to accept herself, or to start sharing her real self to others, one of the greatest moments beyond the closet door arrives in the form of retrospection—we go back to excavate the photo albums for evidence of the baby gays we were. More often than not, we stumble across those blatant, obvious photos screaming out our proto-queerness, and we marvel over the fact our loved ones were somehow shocked when we chose to come out.

O'Neill sent me this link a few weeks ago, and I cannot stop poring over the personal stories and the adorable photos that queers across the Internet have submitted. I find it overwhelming (in the awesome sense) to see photos ranging across the twentieth-century. It's fascinating to read the accounts of queer people growing up throughout different decades among various cultural backgrounds. Despite our differences, we all share that one common experience of emerging from our own fears and insecurities to finally embrace that tiny version of ourselves from so long ago. Born This Way achieved the one goal I wished to see—a space where queer-identified people of all ages could gather, reminisce, and find our similarities despite the generation gaps.

Brilliant! Enlightenment, at last!

Of course, the next morning, I ran to the photo albums to find pictures of me in full baby dyke regalia, but—


I'll be damned.


I discovered I remembered life a lil' differently from the photos populating our albums. Most of the shots taken of Lil' Miz Moffatt were from family gatherings which meant I was decked out in full-on party dresses for the occasion. I come from a British-Scottish-Newfoundlander background, and I can tell you it's a traditional scene when it comes to gender norms. Now, of course, we've all relaxed a touch with age, but we were not exempt from formal attire as kiddies. And, having an older sister guaranteed girly hand-me-downs in the dozens…

Of course, I know assuming stereotypes tends to be more hurtful than helpful—I know of a large contingent of queer femmes who would be rightly pissed at the assumption that butch little girl = queer (and I know of some butch straight gals who would take offence to being stereotyped, too). But, when I remember the clothes I loved wearing as a child, I know for a fact it revolved around overalls and baseball tees.

So…where are those shots?

A few exist, but the overwhelming image skews me toward the opposite end of the spectrum.

Regardless of the strange absence of the everyday shots, I'll still take to skimming through the albums to get that shot of the baby dyke I was. In the meantime, I suggest you check out Born This Way if you haven't already—it's a guaranteed smile waiting to happen.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Sunday Ponderings and Post Ideas

Another Sunday flooded with random ponderings and clouded thoughtscapes around these parts...

I admit, the ideas are half-formed at best. I blame the stretch of cold weather to come this week and the random bits of snow we've collected here in Suburbs. I might not be as winter-weary as the masses, but the darker nights are adding up, methinks. And, of course, it happens to be Sunday night which = a new week to mull over.

Shall we point form? Yes? Oh, heck yes:

  • Novel I received the axe this weekend on the school schedule. Tough call, that one -- the three publishing certificate courses came with heavier workloads than I anticipated (read: one assignment per week for the online course alone.) Man, what a diverse mix of writers I've had to sacrifice, though. Profit-and-loss sheets are hijacking my time, so creative endeavors will have to be shuffled aside for the moment.
  • I believe I am doomed to a one-date maximum, forevermore. Can't seem to get past the first hurdle. This time around: mismatched schedules. Nothing worse than the right person at the wrong time, hmm?
  • Am pondering my position as The Only Queer in the Family again. Having a niece/nephew on the horizon has brought up issues relating to lessons for New Baby vs. my identity. I'm debating if I ought to make that the subject of a post...
On a positive note, dropping Novel I will free some time for a renewed interest in queer blogging. I have a few topics stored away, and I think it's about darn time I write 'em out, hmm?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

2010 in Books

Right, so -- I'm still in the throes of reviewing 2010. Like a tough cold, I cannot shake it. But, this list is of the fun and bookish variety. And, since I am still in the plotting stages for a new, book-oriented blog (wheeeeee!!), I will leave these meanderings to this space.

And heck, a recommendation for a new read is top notch in my books.

I snagged this one from The Cousin's blog -- she is one of the most voracious readers I know, so I knew this survey would be a solid one.

** Note: The survey is based on books I read in 2010, not necessarily books that were published in 2010.

Check it:

1. Best Book of 2010: I'll represent for the hard science fans out there and support The Stories of Ibis by Hiroshi Yamamoto. The novel deals with some weighted philosophical issues, and manages to maintain a pro-AI stance throughout it. Impressive, and go read it now.

2. Worst Book of 2010: I will opt for Michael Winter's The Death of Donna Whalen for this honour. I question whether I can even call this fiction, even after its nomination for the Rogers' Writer's Trust Award. Winter took real court testimonies and witness accounts from a murder trial in Newfoundland.... and all he did was shift the writing perspective from first-person to third-person. How can he put his name on that and claim it as his work? Lame to the power of infinity.

3. Most Disappointing Book of 2010: I was disappointed with The Children of Men by P.D. James. I made the mistake of seeing the film first, so I thought, "YEAH -- dystopian thriller where the end of humanity comes at a crawl due to (in)fertility issues? Whoa, HIGH ACTION, WHOA!!" Nope. Not in the novel. In fact, the only readers who might like this book have been to Oxford/live in Oxford/are obsessed with Oxford.

4. Most Surprising Book (in a good way!) in 2010: I was taken with Yoshihiro Tatsumi's manga-autobiographical work, A Drifting Life. I read a number of online reviews levying horrid judgments on me for not having read this book, even though I claimed to be a manga lover. I cried and begged for forgiveness as I raided the library for their copy. And WOW -- tour-de-force. I now pass the shame to you for not reading it.

5. Book You Recommended to People Most in 2010: Remainder by Tom McCarthy. Go read it, or I'm not your friend anymore. Ha, in all seriousness, I recommended this book to anyone who talked literature with me since September 2010.

6. Best Series Discovered in 2010: Hmm, I stumbled across a number of series in 2010. Most are shoujo manga titles, and I will spare you the details. I read The Walking Dead series by Robert Kirkman (up to Book 10), and quite enjoyed it. I also found out there are a series of books based on Torchwood, and, umm.... ItotallyboughtthreecopiesandIplantobuymore.....

7. Favorite New Authors of 2010: I have a few new favourites who launched their careers in the 2009/2010 split, and I am excited to see how their work develops in the future. Mad props for Lauren Kirshner (Where We Have To Go), Sarah Selecky (This Cake is For The Party), and Dexter Palmer (The Dream of Perpetual Motion).

8. Most Hilarious Read of 2010: Ah, apologies -- I have no laugh-out-loud titles. I was reading Can Lit most of the time. We are a deeply troubled people in our literature.

9. Most Thrilling Unputdownable Book of 2010: House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski, no doubt. This book thrilled (read: terrified) the brass out of me for a solid week after I read it -- as in, I slept with the lights on for two nights, I was that scared of this novel. Despite that, I recommend folks check it out. This title was a recommendation from Ship Sharp, and DAMN -- brilliant.

10. Book You Anticipated the Most for 2010: Ha, I am still anticipating it, actually. I put a hold on Emma Donoghue's latest book, Room, back in... September? October? 20-some-odd people have dibs on it before I do, still. Paf.

11. Favorite Cover of a Book You read in 2010: I have four that jumped out at me:













Hmm, so, I like covers that are:

A) Mostly white or mostly black.
B) Blurry.
C) Spacey.




12. Most Memorable Character in 2010: I'll have to opt for the unnamed Narrator of McCarthy's Remainder. His voice is captivating, and he is entirely unreliable as a narrator (just how I like 'em).

13. Most Beautifully Written Book in 2010: I found myself drooling over most of Dexter Palmer's prose in The Dream of Perpetual Motion. I have the urge to re-read it at a slower pace so I can absorb his linguistic charm for my own work.

14. Book that had the Greatest Impact on You in 2010: Well, physically, Danielewski's House of Leaves had the most noticeable impact as it prevented me from sleeping like a normal person. Umm.... I don't know that I was moved on an intangible level, though. I mean, moved long enough to select a specific novel for this category.

15. Book You Can't Believe You Waited Until 2010 to Finally Read: Ray Bradbury's From the Dust Returned. I've had it on my shelf since the book was published in 2001. I am a fool, and Ray Bradbury should kick my ass for it.


... And, since this is a queer blog, I vote Malinda Lo's Ash as the Best Queer Read of 2010. Oh-so-sweet re-telling of Cinderella, except our lead finds herself attracted to the King's Huntress instead of the Prince. Ah, the thirteen-year-old version of me would have been all up on's.

So, please do feel free to give this survey a whirl. I love discovering what others have read, and I wouldn't mind a recommendation or two.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Miz Moffatt Tumbles into 2011

2011 -- *Sparklesglitterfireworksnoisemakers!!*

So, the calendar mentioned it was January 3rd, and I had yet to make a new update regarding the shiny new year with all the shiny new potential therein. The 2010/2011 split was one of self-projection into a better world, kids. I am looking ahead and erasing the dregs of the past. Yes, I am going to scrabble with all the mettle in me to make 2011 one hell of a lot better than 2010 was on average.

I vow this now.

Ah, such epic sentiment. I blame this on the sudden, intense craving for all the sci fi literature within a ten-mile radius. I know the last entry I made on Cute, Queer, Canadian was Dec. 17th, 2010, and I swear, the time in between was flooded with space ships and time travel and steampunk and imagined worlds, etc. etc. I was a nerd. A nerd with a sweet discount at a book store for goodness gracious.

The need subsides, and I am re-awakening to the real world, now.

So, goals -- I'm in the process of compiling a list (you know, because I never ever compile a list, right?) I re-assessed the 101 in 1001 list I made back in 2009, and I've decided to scrap it. Circumstances around me have changed, and I understand now the goals I'd assigned back then are not at all useful (for the most part) when it comes to re-structuring my current life. Most of the 101 items were generated in an attempt to fill the list in the first place. And filler is killer when coupled with a list of that nature.

The end result: RE-VAMP.

Now is the sparkly time of possibilities, and I am determined to tackle those dreams NOW. I like the idea of the 1001 days, since it gives me a bit more breathing space (and since funds will not allow me to pursue everything I'd like in 2011). But it is a start, and I always like a good send-off.

More to follow on that front, of course.

For now, I leave you with the best wishes for 2011, and a high-five all around for the queer kids and the allies in this new decade.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Sunday Survey: Part Three

Another Sunday evening, and another addition to the sprawling Sunday Survey here at Cute, Queer, Canadian. I worked a 7.5 hour shift chez Chapters, and I have finished the first leg of Christmas shopping for the season as well. Ohh, sweet discount on books..... what have I done all my life without you?

So, all part-time praise aside, here is the third installment of the epic survey in question. Find Parts One and Two ----> here, and ----> here.

VoilĂ :

The Sunday Survey: Part Three

20. Do I care too much about what others think of me?: I do tend to fret over other people's thoughts. I know it's futile considering I haven't mastered mind control yet (muahaha). Or, I should be more specific -- I have certain aspects or traits I am more sensitive about. I stress over whether people see me as successful or not, and I take great efforts to give off an air of intelligence. But then, I don't care what people think about me being queer, and I don't mind if people misread my shyness as attitude. Oh, and I tend to be sensitive about people stating, "You can live vicariously through me as I _______" -- I've had BIG issues over that one in the past.

21. Do I take offense too easily?: Oh, heck yes. I am a Sensitive Sally when it comes to glibness. I put a great deal of stress on myself, and I judge myself more harshly than I judge others. As a result, outside comments tend to hurt more because I use it to confirm some failing I perceive in myself. I know, vicious, eh?

22. What makes me happy?: A hot mug of green tea, a rich piece of chocolate, and a ridiculous episode of whatever anime I am hooked on at the moment. I also love cold, crisp winter mornings, and I love hiking in the fall. Music tends to augment my mood, so I construct soundtracks accordingly. Happiness comes from "earned stillness," for me.

23. Do I procrastinate?: YES. ONEMILLIONTIMESYES. Procrastination is an affliction at this point. I cultivated the practice in school, and it has worsened since I first left it. I even procrastinate on self-defined deadlines.

24. Do I stand up for myself?: I've gotten better at it since I entered my 20s, but I know I could develop the skill further. Consciousness about other people's thoughts tends to dampen my assertion abilities. I am making progress, though, so I need to celebrate my growth on that one.

25. Do I hold grudges?: No, not at all. Why spend energy on someone if you don't even like them in the first place? In all seriousness, a grudge drains a remarkable amount of attention and resources from your life, and I don't think I've been pissed off enough to warrant insulating my life with grudges.

26. Do I constantly dwell on the past?: I reflect a great deal on the past, and I find some aspects are hard to part with; however, I accept the actions I took or did not take, and I understand that I would act the same way even if I had the chance to re-live a moment or two. On a lighter note, I am a historian of sorts, so I do "dwell" on the past, a ha!

27. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me?: Oddly, no. I know I am a general pessimist, yet I am somehow resistant to other people's negativity....? Not sure how that one works. Perhaps two levels of negative thought cancel one another out....? If it's negativity about me, it will affect me. If the bad vibes are about other things, it tends to not take hold of me. Strange.

28. Do I forgive myself?: I find it difficult to forgive myself for certain choices or realities. I can accept them after time, but it's hard to forgive the mistakes or the inactions. I can forgive myself for petty things ("Ahh, I ate sugar when I said I wouldn't -- whatev") -- but yeah, the bigger hardships are difficult ones to move past.

29. Do I smile often?: Now, despite how bleak this survey seems, I actually do smile a lot. Folks are often shocked when I class myself as a pessimist -- ha, I am of the grinning variety. I tend to make myself laugh a lot, too, which is hilarious and disconcerting all in one. I make jokes to myself, and sometimes it takes all my power to not laugh out loud. I value wit and sharp senses of humour, so I have to make sure I practice (even if it's for an audience of ME). I noticed I don't tend to smile when I commute into Toronto even though I love taking the GO Train. Haha, it must be the whole "city attitude" thing taking effect. Haha, who knows?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

NaBloPo--NO!!


NO. Nonononono -- I was in bed at 12:10 AM when it hit me:

I MISSED A POST.

I MISSED A POST FOR NABLOPOMO.


.... and then I rolled over and went to sleep.


***

Serious, though -- I was so close to creating content every day this November. But, the absence last night is nothing for me to cry over. I spent the evening in Toronto with two of the three gents I lived with while I was working on my undergrad. One, I have not seen in close to a year; the other lives in Bermuda, and I have not seen him since his graduation day in June 2008. So, um, I think it was a far better evening as a result. I never thought I'd see the day where we would be sitting around reminiscing about those undergraduate years. I suppose that's how it was with high school, too -- when you start realizing how much you pour over the details of those younger years, you understand just how much the world around you has changed even if your own character/perspectives have remained the same.

It also made me realize how much more I need to get out and find adventure. The last few months have been quiet ones despite the fact I am back in school. I'm quite still, and I need to shake up the world a bit. Hmm... much to mull over.

I am thinking I ought to write a deluge of posts to make up for the rather weak content in the past seven days. Maybe that could count toward NaBloPoMo? Hmm?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Sunday Survey: Part One

While brainstorming ideas for another NaBloPoMo post, I stumbled across a rather in-depth survey squirreled away in a folder on my laptop. I had the intention to address it a number of months ago.... and then I promptly forgot about it.

Ah, but NaBloPoMo possesses the strength to dredge up all those hidden topics for the sake of daily posting quotas. What better form of filler is there than the illustrious Online Survey?

How about one drawn out for ELEVEN WEEKS OF CONTENT, WOOOOOOT?!

And these aren't run-of-the-mill questions either. No, no. We are intense here at Cute, Queer, Canadian, and we like to wax existential. I knew all those years of schooling would prove its mettle one day.

So, without further ado, I give you:

The Sunday Survey: Part One

1. What do I want?: Ooh, a question with heft to start us off. I suppose what I want most is acknowledgment. It's a recurring theme in my life -- I know we all struggle through loneliness, futility, and other stresses at times, but my quest for acknowledgment knows no limits. I tend to coast under the radar of others, and my shy tendencies keep me closed off even when I wish someone would just tell me I'm on the right track. Since 2008, I get the impression I've made mistake after mistake with almost every facet of my life -- sometimes, I wish there were someone there to tell me I've done a lot of good, too, even if I never noticed it at the time. I guess I just want to know I am doing right by myself and by the people around me.

2. What am I grateful for?: Well, from a queer perspective, I am effin' grateful for the role models I had as a young'un. From older kids at our high school to the folks I worked with at my first real job, I was surrounded by an amazing group of gay men and women who taught me that life out of the closet was possible, all when I was at the critical age of sixteen. I am also grateful for the friends I have, and for the family who accepted me without hesitation. It's a gay gal's dream, let me tell you.

3. What’s missing in my life?: I am missing self-confidence for one. I can fake it, but I wouldn't mind believing it, too. I am also lacking adventure in general. I've aged earlier than expected it seems. I need to get out and mingle more, but that whole lack of confidence thing tends to counteract my efforts. Heh, yeah, the social life is missing for the most part, but I do this to myself.

4. Do I see the whole world anew each day?: Not as often as I ought to. It's so simple to become complacent with the world, and to ignore those little moments of amazement. I need to master the whole Dead Poets' Society vibe of seizing the eff' out of the day.

5. Do I take the time to really listen to what others say?: I do -- I am an observer/thinker by nature, and I like to hear stories and launch into discussion of all sorts. I hear lesbians are pros at processing information, and I believe I live up to that hype. The best memories I have with others often involve hours worth of conversation held over mugs of tea. I imagine this will be the case well into the future.

6. Do I have fun?: Again, not as often as I should be. Bah, youth is wasted on me. Most of the time, I either drift through an unaffected fog, or I lose track of the present moment and float on waves of random thought. Fun tends to play off of a heightened awareness of one's environment and a disassociation from the passage of time itself. I tend to invert those two points, which is most likely why I am lacking fun most of the time.

7. How can I bring more joy into my life?: Ah, if I knew that, then I would have nothing to complain about, would I? I think the key to this would be greater involvement with family affairs, with friends, with community events -- the works. Keeping occupied tends to increase joy for the sheer fact it leads you to greater opportunities and distracts you from the darkness.

8. What do I want more of in my life?: I want to spend more time surrounded by other artists/writers/thinkers. I want more exploration of the local world and the world abroad. I want to collect more stories, and I want to share some of my own, too.

9. What do I want less of in my life?: Indecision. Oh, indecision is a curse -- it takes all those dreams and files down their brilliance. I've been fretful with it in the last, oh, three years, and I'd like to move on from the drama, thank you.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

New Discoveries


What I Have Learned on a Saturday Afternoon:
  • If I were to launch a NaNoWriMo project tomorrow, I would need to write eleven pages of prose/day to meet the 50,000 word goal by Nov. 30
  • I forgot to add the Trillium Book Award shortlist to the epic Can. lit. reading list I have started. This revelation adds ten titles to the challenge. OMG.
  • I have read 18 books since August 1st.
  • I am lacking a social life if I have this much time to read books.

THE MORE YOU KNOW! *Shooting star!*

Friday, November 12, 2010

What Makes a Lesbian Heart Weep


Tonight's topic stems from a discussion launched over at AfterEllen.com. Queer ladies voiced their opinions in response to Freeman Hall's latest book, Stuff that Makes A Gay Heart Weep. From Britney Spears and capri pants, to cheap vodka and a day without Bravo TV, Hall makes a compelling case for the gay stereotypes in popular culture.

But, as with a great deal of queer content in the world, what of the gay ladies? Books like these make the gay = male market clear, much to the chagrin of the lady lovin' ladies out there --> AfterEllen.com chose to make their case for the broken heart of the gay gal.

Most of their list revolves around regular AfterEllen.com subjects/complaints about celebrities and pop culture:
  • Katy Perry's offensiveness, especially to the queer gals
  • Ilene Chaiken and her obnoxious, unrealistic portrayal of lesbian women
  • Celebrities assumed to be queer and will not "formally" come out (Eg. Jodie Foster, Queen Latifah)
  • The stunning void on mainstream television when it comes to well-developed, fully-realized lesbian characters (as opposed to our gentleman counterparts in the queer community)
While I agree with the last point, I find the rest of the list leans toward the irrelevant. To quote the Moffatt family motto: "Who cares?" We know of Katy Perry's famous ignorance, we know Ilene Chaiken lives in a bizarre world of lesbian drama, and we know a massive Coming Out Day among closeted celebs could make a difference.

I get it.

But, I think our issues as queer ladies are a touch larger than those piddly, pop culture references.

And lo, it is time to break out the patented Moffatt List of "What Makes a Lesbian Heart Weep":

1. Divisions within the Queer Community


The first bullet point on the list also cancels out the relevance of this exercise, I know. I think a large number of queer kids can commiserate with me when I say "community" events resemble the co-ed parties of grade school kids -- ladies on one side, gents on the other side. We act like oil and water in social settings which, yes, I get to some degree. I want to hit on girls, so it makes sense to get close to said ladies. I imagine gents want the same thing from the other gentlemen at these events. What I am referring to is the lack of civility between both camps. Friendships between gay gals and gay boys are treated as anomalies, and general antagonism runs just below the surface of our shindigs. I like the dynamics of mixed company, and I think the queer crowd benefits from the sex/gender diversity therein. So, why the bad blood?

... Which leads me to:


2. Lesbian Exclusivity


I weep as a lesbian to see how queer ladies isolate themselves from the world due to a "strength in numbers" mentality. Again, I understand the rationale -- queer women tend to be underrepresented in our culture, and there are not enough spaces dedicated to lesbian/bi girl culture in general. I understand the desire to find like-minded women, and I do find it an attractive notion to be knee-deep in a lesbian oasis of sorts. What I don't get is the air of exclusivity surrounding these cliques (and yes, I would go so far as to label them "cliques"). We all know a "gold star" from a "silver star," as if we need to earn our rank. We have the "baby dykes" who might always carry that label with them, even if they're out for decades. I've witnessed blatant hostility against bi-identified women, and I've felt the suspicion from women who could not grasp the fact I am best friends with a gay man. I know I'm queer. I like being queer. I like hanging out with all people, regardless of their sex/gender/orientation, and I would rather avoid groups who view that stance with suspicion.


3. The Politics of "Passing"


As I stated earlier, I like being a gay gal. Women tend to coax out the best in me, and women encourage me to accomplish more (you know, so I can impress them and all that great stuff, *grin*) -- but the number of times my queerness has been questioned tends to erode that self-confidence. This point ties into the aforementioned "Lesbian Exclusivity" pervading the inner sanctums of gay girl cliques. Somehow, I "pass" in the minds of queer people. Perhaps I need to sew the URL to Cute, Queer, Canadian onto my winter jacket, just to make it clear I am of the fabulous persuasion. The issue stems from the idea we either need to fit a certain preconceived image of a Lesbian to be accepted into the group or we will face social isolation forevermore. Queer gals come from all background with a gorgeous array of style -- I want to be with women who embrace those aspects of themselves, and I want to meet women who won't judge me for the femme-ish look/butch-esque perspective blend that I am.


***

I could go on with this list, but those are the top three reasons this lesbian heart of mine weeps. How about you, dear reader? What causes your queer heart to weep? I'll go grab the ice cream for us both and meet you back in the comments section.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Frets and Faults

Perhaps I am being a touch rash in calling this conclusion -- it is November after all. We've still got about 54 days until 2011 arrives all fresh and perfect on our doorsteps.

I can't help this nagging realization that 2010 was a wash-out for me.

I've heard the condition you find yourself in on January 1st tends to dictate the coming year. Me? I was upstairs in a hotel room, bracing myself against a violent stomach flu while I missed out on my sister's wedding reception.

If ever a darker omen for the new year existed, I would like to hear of it now.

So, 2010 was not the Year of the Moffatt. I reflect on this now as I stumbled across a so-called "Game Plan" I crafted in the 2009 NaBloPoMo. Hrrm, a good chunk of that list still intrigues me, though. Over the course of the year, I let myself stumble against old patterns, and I froze in the face of change. Both are traits I'd like to shake off, to be honest.

More than that, I've managed to isolate myself from important people. The trend started this summer, and its results are palpable now. Now is the time I feel like running away, which solves nothing, of course. That's probably the allure of it -- a fresh start without fixing those loose ends.

Maybe its the stubborn remnants of my cold speaking. I had one of those ominous dreams last night where a character comments on something hitting close to home. A musician was sitting under a bridge with an acoustic guitar, and some girl (not I) came to insult him. Anyhow, he leveled this look at her, laughed, and said, "This from the girl who has never even lived outside her city. Who has never even been abroad. This from the girl who still cries over that absence at her parents' dinner table."

I know, it's weird dream speak. It all made sense as he was talking. I was his friend in the dream, but he didn't realize how much that comment struck me, too.

I have a lot of hard thinking to do in the next few weeks. This time, I need results.

Monday, August 2, 2010

August?!

Egads.


Surprising how the seasons sneak up on a mild-mannered, negligent blogette such as myself.

I am pleased to report there are five weeks left in the current administrative work contract and that, come September, I will be attending a fine Canadian educational establishment to learn the rigours of the publishing world.

*Confetti*

So, progress = yes. The months of reeling over what to do and where to go and how to focus myself are now resolving, at least a touch. I admit, the act of choosing and the commitment in the decision have offered a sort of calm. It is done. I am traveling toward that choice. Mmm, fresh start out of the ashes of this summer. Sheer brilliance, I tell you.

I have more to mull over in different facets, but those ramblings are best saved for another time and another place. As for blogging, I come prepared with topics for this week and with the hope I won't let another three-week stretch of silence mar this space.

So, until then, I will doff my hat and return to the last few chapters of Ray Bradbury's, From The Dust Returned.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Strange Winds

July is proving to be a disorienting month (hence the hiatus from this blog). Issues and events tend to converge at once -- all of it is amplified this time by the rapid cycling between cooler climates and oppressive spells of heat.

I tend to get restless when thunderstorms hover on the horizon.

I've been locked into reassessing a number of points around me. The first half of 2010 slipped from me quickly and I've been complacent with it for the most part. But no, I am starting to rebel against that laziness and will take over the responsibilities I ought to.

One of those things just happens to be writing.

I love this blog. I love writing about queer issues and queer interests and celebrating women in general. The fact is, there are other projects I want to pursue as well -- projects based in a professional path and a possible career arc. With the precious free hours I have on weekday evenings, I want to start developing those projects.

Before I have anyone crying into keyboards or cursing my good name as a queer blogger, I want to state now: I am not abandoning the blog. No, no. I just need to reshuffle time which means I will most likely be posting less or crafting shorter blog posts.

Hey, but some Moffatt is better than none, am I right?

I found the inspiration to take back 2010 from the nearest and dearest. Ship Sharp and The Advocate have made impressive progress with their chosen fields and have landed job opportunities that rival all others. In typical fashion, I am a touch nervous as I am still working the same stagnant job I did last summer and see no release.

That is, unless I create that escape for myself.

Hence: dedication to the writing projects I deem "serious work." It's still fun and light and adventurous, but, as I stated earlier, it's more in line with the ol' career path and therefore needs more time for development.

*Sigh* Oh, to be an adult. And an artist at that.

Will definitely keep all updated on any/all progress on that front. I have quite a bit of work ahead of me and need to quit distracting myself with hours of anime. Shucks.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Apologies and a Tuesday Recap

Apologies for missing yet another Tunes for Tuesdays post -- methinks this is the Universe's decision. It's telling me to change the night for new music. Paf, I say. Paf. I dismiss the notion.

Despite the absence of a post last night, I was involved with some music-related fun in Toronto. One of lil' brother's school bands played at The Trane, so my sister and I headed in to check it out. It was the first time I'd stepped into a self-proclaimed jazz lounge and I was quite impressed. The Sister and I were sitting near the stage and didn't notice the crush of people building behind us until the band finished their set.

WOW. It gets packed, even on a Tuesday.

Lil' brother's band is (unofficially) known as The Suspects and their niche is African-styled music. It's quite the sight with that number of people on stage: one bassist (lil' brother), one pianist, three brass instruments, two guitarists, three singers, and... about four percussionists? I know. I think half his music program is in The Suspects (hence their "suspicious" aura). Serious it was energetic and fun and very different from what the lil' brother writes himself.

Hmm, I find myself gravitating toward the city more and more these days. I love the potential of it, all the youth and vitality. I know, I sound like the suburbanite girl I am. Still, I know it's the city life for me, whether in Toronto or another spot.

I find those little reminders helpful.

So, yes -- it is St. Paddy's Day as I write this. I shall return with a special music post for the occasion. Do stay tuned.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Mental Jargon


Hmm, reflective. Full of rich ponderings and other such mind jargon. Not sure what induced it. I've got a sinister case of unemployment-induced restlessness. I've also got the sense I'm morphing into a little island, dropped into a raging sea of anime and malnutrition (aka. Junk food maximum intake: Initiated).

Bleak. I escaped for two hours with a notebook in tow. Fled to the shores of Lake Ontario for a quiet stroll, carrying an impulse to write.

The more I avoid writing, the more anxious I get. Perhaps this is a sign.

This town is far too small for me now. I've known this for quite some time, but I still don't have the funds to escape. Turning this frustration on my room itself, cycling through rash decisions to purge items only to discover I need them later.

I've been dreaming of the west coast for months -- freedom. Those dreams were stoked once more after The Advocate traveled there for contract work. The U.K. is buried beneath immediate needs: more education, more cash in the bank, more direction. Ah, soon. Soon I'll cross the Atlantic for those shores.

Romantic notions seem crippling tonight.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A Single Gal's Reflection on Weddings

I'm about to lose all the edge I generated for myself with that last post.

Wait for it.........


..... Wait........... for......... it--


IT'S REFLECTIONS ON WEDDINGS!!1!


I know, I know -- I am a single gal. I have not been in a serious relationship. I am aware this indicates I am "putting the cart before the horse," as the expression states. I don't even know that I will get married. It's not a future a dreamt of as a child and it's not quite on The List of Everything I Need To Do While I Am Here.

Still, I was caught off-guard with certain meandering thoughts while The Sister was going through her tight four months of prep for her special day. As much as I reflected on the relationship between my Sister and her newly-minted husband, it cast a rather stark spotlight on my own affairs (or, lack thereof).

Hmm, perhaps "stark" is a little... corrosive in tone. Truth is those four months got me to consider a path I'd never imagined for myself.

I have these little pockets of memory from the whole experience:

I remember The Sister's first dress fitting -- it was the first time I'd visited a bridal store and I was curious to check it out. Little did I know it was also the location where the bridesmaid dresses would be discovered as well. Anyhow, as The Sister was being Bride-ified, I took the time to browse through the racks. Oh, silly Moffatt -- that's how it starts. I stopped at those regal, princess-style dresses with crinoline for days. All I could do was touch the beading and imagine a girl walking down the aisle toward me in one.













SO RANDOM.

It hit me right in my little Moffatt heart. I tell you, helping someone plan their wedding warps your mind. It starts uncovering these weird thoughts you never knew existed.

I think the idea of it hit hardest on the night of the rehearsal. O'Neill and I were loitering in the ceremony room, protecting some coats and camera equipment while the families were downstairs at the banquet hall. O'Neill asked with that comfortable bluntness we've built: "How about you? Can you see yourself up there?" I think I gave a bashful "No," but we were both acting tougher than we felt at the time.

It's weird once extended family members get involved. I wouldn't want my wedding to invite those snide, passive-aggressive and homophobic comments. If I could keep it to immediate family and friends, I'd be in the clear --wait a minute, see that? You see what happens? I start talking like I will get married. I need to think of meeting people and dating first, not this running head-long down the aisle.

Egads.

***

I was inspired for tonight's post by emily hartl over at AfterEllen. She has a Styled Out column on the the site where she discusses the ins and outs of lesbian fashion. This week, she focused on weddings with a gay twist. She pointed out another site called So You're EnGAYged, a gorgeous and comprehensive guide for queer couples and straight allies. Serious, flip through the wedding photos and just TRY to suppress the cartoon hearts that will abound.

Conversely, Kama over at The Queer Behind The Mirror tackles the issues inherent to the phrase, "gay marriage." I love picking apart language and pushing the connotations that hide in seemingly innocuous words -- Kama makes a compelling argument about the heteronormative edge embedded in the term "gay marriage."

***

OLYMPIC UPDATES:

What the heck, Team Canada. I am forced from the blog for ONE DAY and that's when you start "own[ing] the podium." Gosh darn. Our newest medal winners include:
  • Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue, Ice Dancing (Gold, Feb. 22)
  • Ashleigh McIvor, Ladies' Ski Cross (Silver, Feb. 23)
  • Clara Hughes, Speed Skating - Ladies' 5000 m (Bronze, Feb. 24)
  • Heather Moyse and Kaillie Humphries, Women's Bobsleigh (Gold, Feb. 24)
  • Shelley-Ann Brown and Helen Upperton, Women's Bobsleigh (Silver, Feb. 24)
  • Jessica Gregg, Kalyna Roberge, Marianne St-Gelais, Tania Vicent, Short-Track Speed Skating - Ladies' 3000 m Relay (Silver, Feb. 24)
I imagine Canadians across the nation are drunk on the achievements of these athletes tonight. The ladies have amped-up our awards ceremonies with their intense (and clustered) medal-worthy performances.

Sets a queer girl's heart all a-flutter. Oh Canada, indeed.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Weekend Watch: Toronto Alert

So, it's a tall order for this weekend -- there are TWO birthday bashes lined up and both are located in the heart of Toronto. This is the year where most of the kids I hang out with (including myself) are turning 24 which is quite a nerve-wracking revelation.

Regardless, these next two evenings are poised to be perfection:
  • Friday, Jan. 15/2010: Set out on a mini book tour of The Annex area w/ The Advocate, partake in some cheesecake also; Drink a round or two in honour of Mr. Shirreff's 24th; Meet The Advocate's gentleman friend (who I will have to create a nickname for... at the moment, I only know him as "that awesome guy who owns a Thundercats t-shirt.")
  • Saturday, Jan. 16/2010: Break out the Big Guns to celebrate Ship Sharp's 24th. It will no doubt be amazing. And I violated her "No Gift" policy, but I know it's something she will dig. She's been dared to spend the evening channeling the 51st-century, omnisexual vibe of Captain Jack Harkness which should be interesting. I have the feeling The Advocate will receive most of the advances as she was the one to challenge Ship Sharp to this brazen flirtation.
***

I've spent this week as an extended vacation. Sent out a couple resumes, launched back into the ol' gym routine, dedicated myself to eating healthier on the home front.

I spent an hour yesterday walking through the suburban trails around the house and it was gorgeous. The temperature was up to 2C and there was a steady sunlight that made the last remnants of snow sparkle. I felt compelled to walk to my old elementary school which I did -- I'm not sure what it was tugging me in that direction, but I ceded free will to it. Despite the winter muck and the stark trees, it felt very much like The Wind in the Willows, which I appreciated.

On the way back, I came across this bizarre scene -- on one of the trails, huge swathes of the forested area have been gated off and are now private access...? I was surprised and confused all at once. Had someone else been there with me, I know I would have hopped the fence to explore some more. Hmm, I'm sensing a reckless adventure coming on....

Friday, September 11, 2009

Being Queer vs. Living Queer


And here it is, the moment where paths diverge -- I am leaving the space of Being Queer and transitioning to the real world of Living Queer. Oh, what a world. Or, rather, what a week.

I couldn't quite grasp the thought at first, it was all bubbling away just below my consciousness. It stemmed from my excitement over seeing Zoe Bell in Gamer, for all two minutes of her blazing magnificence. (Yes, I'm still obsessing -- so sue me). And it took a hasty journal entry written at work to finally make the idea concrete.


.....It was the hesitation in her actions, the quiet air around her. I want to say it was a certain awkwardness, though not so dramatic. 

But I've noticed it.

Whenever the conversation turns to women I like or women I've dated, Chantal backs away from the topic. It's the same reaction my sister has shown me before. And I wonder if it will work its way through each and every one of my friends who I am poised to tell within the coming month.

I mean, it's one thing to talk about queer issues and to out myself to others-- I just think it hits people differently once I start talking about the women I like. And I do mean LIKE, like.

It's that moment when the other person realises, "Oh... oh, this is real now." You move from being the distant, abstract concept of "Queer" and start to actually be queer and to live as a woman who loves and desires other women. I guess that's the root of coming out, isn't it? Not just to qualify or validate yourself in name, but to actually inhabit a space AS yourself.

It's odd to sit here in full acceptance of myself only to watch as those around me struggle to come to terms with..... well, with ME. 

Weird. Weird, indeed. 
 
K.3.N.J.I