An(other) Open Letter to Alan Ball, Creator of True Blood

Dearest Alan Ball,

I am pleased to find such a response to the first letter I directed to your attention. It appears the drought of true lesbian women has, at last, ceased in Bon Temps, Louisiana. Our thirst for Sapphic action has been both quenched and heightened in one shot and I give sincere thanks for the delightful moment of vamp-on-girl erotics from tonight's episode.

Granted, it took until season three, episode three for that to occur. I am willing to overlook the inherent travesty of such a delay in exchange for more delicious scenes with our reigning queer vamp, Pam (Kristen Bauer).

And, for a more well-rounded queer experience, it appears the same Estonian exotic dancer from Eric's S&M chamber also quite appreciates Pam's brand of, um, "lip service," shall we call it. So there, a bisexual human hottie who's managed to capture the attention of Eric, queen Sophie-Anne, and Pam in a matter of three episodes.

I know the old adage describes terrible events occurring in threes, but it seems to apply for salacious vampiric moments, also.

Oh, Mr. Ball -- I know there is still much ground to cover this season when it comes to those elusive queer women on True Blood. I must remind you, much like V, one taste from the Sapphic cup tends to invite stronger cravings than before. I do hope you are prepared to meet and exceed those expectations for us lady-lovin'-ladies who pledge our Sunday evenings to your particular brand of vampire-based entertainment.

And yes, I do keep tabs.

I await your response, sir.

-- Miz Moffatt

P.S. -- While I have you here, I must ask -- please, treat Tara (Rutina Wesley) well this season. Serious, someone needs to cut her a bit of slack. Her one true love is buried, she is on a downward spiral toward suicide, and now she's hooked up with an eerie vamp who's tracking Bill? I saw clips of her future self running through open fields, too. And no, she did not look pleased to be running. Mr. Ball, I beg of you -- give Tara an uplifting plot line. She is far too hot to waste on literal dead ends.

I will settle for a Pam/Tara hook-up, if you insist.

An Open Letter to Alan Ball, Creator of True Blood

Dearest Alan Ball,

Waiting does suck -- fans have craved this third season harder than imagined, especially given the ingenious collection of online shorts inspired by the beloved characters of the True Blood series. With speculations and spoilers flooding the Internet, it is thrilling to know we have returned to the bloodied secrets of Bon Temps once again as of this evening.

But, there is one more event I have waited for and, yes, it's absence sucks quite immensely.

Mr. Ball, I ask you -- where the hell are our lesbians?

In Season One, we were assured the steely, seductive minion, Pam (Kristin Bauer), was the first of numerous lesbian vampires planned for the cast list. Aside from some well-timed one-liners, lingering glances, and one ginger cleavage brush (I mean, how was Sookie supposed to know a chunk of flesh was still nestled in there?), we got nothing.

Vampires: 1 Lesbians: 0

In Season Two, we were chuffed to bits with the promise that the reigning vampire queen of Louisiana, Sophie-Anne (Evan Rachel Wood), preferred the ladies as her midnight snack of choice. Such a slow tease this news was. All throughout the promos and the articles dedicated to the season, audiences were reminded over and over how shattered our minds would be from the hotness of Sophie-Anne's introduction. We were not misled -- I cannot imagine a queerer moment than the vampire queen's head cradled between the legs of a fine, young woman as Sophie-Ann takes a nice bit of blood beside her lavish pool.

So, what is there to critique, you ask?

Well, as the first out, queer vampire woman of the series, I have to ask -- why is she also a flighty, laughable figure once she opens her mouth? Her lavish lifestyle and her choice of walking blood banks signals to a kind of weakness in her, one expressed in her trivialization of Bill's pleas for help. Oh, and we can't forget about the random, dominating kiss she shares with Eric after she breaks her lesbian companion's heart with a full-out dismissal of human-vampire romantic relationships. Ah, but she spouts such useful, textbook knowledge of maenads after yahtzee...

She is the most powerful vampire in Louisiana and we are asked to not respect her in the least?

Vampires: 2 Lesbians: 0

Now, Mr. Ball, the Third Season of True Blood has crossed the threshold of our homes. Pam and Sophie-Anne were both given ample screen time in the first episode which seems promising. Pam made some more opaque comments about her attraction to Sookie (which invited a terse, belittling comment from our heroine) and Sophie-Anne's request for an exotic dancer from Fangtasia falls flat after she needs reminding from higher powers that there are bigger issues in the vampire world to discuss (oh, namely the fact there's a vampire involved with V-trafficking who could lose their after-life for the crime they're committing against their own kind. *Cough*Sophie-Anne*Cough, cough*)

Granted Mr. Ball, I know this was just the first episode of the new season. I know there's a whole lot of crazy about to go down in Bon Temps. But how can there be an episode depicting a rather intense, lucid dream featuring Sam and Bill and not a whole lot of clothing even while it takes such a colourless, bland approach with its two "lesbian" characters?

It flat-lines as much as those two girls from New York did when even their making out couldn't arouse the, um, "interest" of Jason Stackhouse.

Mr. Ball, please don't deflate this little heart of mine. If you promise lesbian vampires, deliver lesbian vampires. No one likes a boy who cries wolf this many times, unless "wolf" translates to "hot lesbian werewolves who are actually lesbian and actually engage in relationships with other women." It's new territory, why not chart it now?

Sapphic-ly,

Miz Moffatt