World Inverted

the world turned upside down, bdig

Another whirlwind has scattered the fields around me -- and oh, how the world has realigned.

(Note to self: Regular posts keep folks updated. Info dumps are overwhelming, though entertaining.)

Updates in rapid form:

• Launched into second semester of the publishing certificate. Tackling: Business of Book Publishing, Copy editing, and Publicity. Also tackling: Novel I (aka. I will have no free time for tomfoolery, alas).
• Visited New Orleans, LA ( Jan. 27 - 30, 2011). Dad had business meetings, and I stowed away in luggage compartment. Ample tales to tell, no doubt.
• Went on -- wait for it -- A FIRST DATE. *Gasp and shock* True. I met someone from PoF, and we had an excellent time. Am hoping there will be a second date soon, but will focus on playing it cool.
• Discovered (half an hour ago!) I am attending an internship interview this Friday. Again, am focusing on playing it cool and breathing... always breathing... calm and breathing...

Apologies for the teaser post -- I have a test tomorrow, and I have a mini assignment due on Thursday which I need to get started on . Fie.

More to follow, kids.

About to Get Her Feet Wet... Once Again...

After a brief stint volunteering for the 2010 Inside Out Film Festival......

After discussing the options and the general "scene" with all the close companions.....

After clicking through a spate of new profiles at our favourite last resort, Plenty of Fish.....

... I might have convinced myself to give the online dating pool another shot.

There are no profiles out on the site at the moment -- there's no more than a tentative toe out there in the water, both testing the temperature and gauging the plunge.

But the alluring spark of potential has returned and it's luring me out to dark waters ahead.

Still, I know I would prefer to meet someone face-to-face first. I want to feel the gentle pull of attraction between two people and I want to experience the slow build across the senses drawing me toward another person. The worrisome aspect of the online world is its penchant for reductionism -- we are downsized to a series of photos, a few keywords, and a condensed paragraph constituting a profile.

As much as I deride the practice, I am aware of its advantage when it comes to the queer scene. I get awkward in the bars and find the bass-frenzied swirl of the dance floor daunting. I am still on the lookout for events catered to queer women + business/activity-based interests. I liked Inside Out for the sheer fact I had immediate conversation topics with fellow volunteers and patrons alike. Now, it's a matter of finding more events like these and launching myself into them.

Hmm. It's a rather loaded night for questions and such. I have more to discuss with the companions, but that shall be left to future evenings filled with tea and gossip.

For now, I turn to contemplation and manga before the onset of bedtime.

Fickle Time and Topic

I wonder what it is that's driving me to the distraction of dating. I know, this post will be an aboutface from the one I wrote all of one hour ago, but this idea has been prickling my thoughts since I first touched on it in a paper journal entry from Monday.

Why am I feeling compelled to throw myself out into the singles community?

I mean, it's not an unusual desire -- I understand the need to find a like-minded individual to connect with on mental, physical, and emotional levels. I know the fear associated with loneliness and I know how love and attraction can add a sense of substance to an otherwise dull world. Granted, I have never been in love before, but I've seen people who were/are and it's an impressive energy to witness.

But what about me? I wonder sometimes if I'm cut out for this love... stuff. I mean, like any complex being, I have these opposing sides that rotate in their strength on a daily basis, but I can sense them both at all times:

One side views the world through those bright and colourful romantic lenses. This is the side that drives me to place a girl on a pedestal and to be the one who anchors her. I want to be the one to hold the door open, to plan surprise trips or secret weekend escapes, and to leave cute, little surprise notes and gifts for her where I know she'll discover them when I'm not there. I want her to find that forgotten safety in me and I want to help construct that whole impenetrable language lovers build between one another.

But then, there's the other side that dismantles that image. I have that side that is terrified to commit. At the moment, it's difficult to sort out just exactly what I want to pursue in life. Should I become an archivist/librarian, or should I forsake it all and try to write full-time? Or maybe I ought to enter publishing? And what of where I want to live or where I want to travel to or what dreams I want to realize in real time? It seems as though I need to suss all that out before I even think of bringing a partner into the mix.

I know I tend to overthink simple, organic things. And I wonder if maybe I should abandon that inner monologue and live as impulsively as my age dictates. Hrmm, it's quite a conundrum. And I know I'm a bit of a late bloomer in all regards, so perhaps this is just another point that will get sorted in a few years time.

Still, I know I need to get out there and get moving. I just wonder if dating is one of those areas that will need to be shifted to the background until I can figure myself out well enough.

That, and I'm sure the Online Dating Major/Minor Archetypes have reminded me of the perils involved with exchanging flirtations.

Ah, such a fickle time and topic.

Online Dating: The Minor Archetypes

Welcome to the second chapter in our on-going evaluation of online dating behaviours: Minor Archetypes. Though the minor archetypes appear with less frequency across the diverse terrain of online dating, their focus remains the same -- to divert you from the ultimate goal of finding a gorgeous, thoughtful woman to connect with.

Over the last two posts, we reviewed the Seven Major Archetypes and their distinct patterns of online activities. From the passive-aggressive tactics of the Profile Stalker to the inexplainable anger of the A.S.S., we have covered the board when it comes to prominent personalities across all dating platforms.

But what of the lesser-known and the more obscure daters?

It would be impossible for me to document each and every bizarre behavioural occurrence that presents itself within the realm of online dating. The one rule of Minor Archetypes is: There is no end in sight. The list is an exhaustive one. We each have our own ticks, foibles, and general oddities -- this is what lends a kind of substance to this new realm of disembodied flirtation. 

What I would like to provide tonight is a quick glance at my own experiences and allow a space for you to comment, critique, and even add a few of your own characters to the mix. 

So, if you will please turn to page 30, we will delve into the world(s) of the Minor Archetypes.

***

1. The "Just Lookin' For Girl Friends, Not Girlfriends" Straight Gal: She is that smokin' hot lady with the desexualised profile. I believe the better term for this archetype is "tragic." It was a tough call as to whether this online character constitutes a Major or Minor figure since she appears quite often. Regardless, I cannot count the number of times I have clicked on the image of a potential date only to discover her interests are set to "kill" -- I mean, "friends." She's the girl on the dating site looking for a nice, new gal to pal around with. She indicates she's a Woman Looking For A Woman but not, like, a woman. And if you should stumble onto her profile, be prepared to receive the "thanks for checking me out, but I'm not looking to DATE a girl" message. Whether you intended to e-mail her or not (I'm thinkin' most of you probably wouldn't go there), she will message you without fail. Oh well, I suppose it fills the inbox after the Favorites-Only, Profile Stalkers, and Disappearing Acts have swept through.

2. The Cute, Candid Woman and-- Hey, Wait a Minute, Does She Have a Boyfriend?! (aka. The Bi-Curious Couple): She is the blossoming bisexual or bi-curious girl whose got a little extra baggage when it comes to the profile scene. I know, I shouldn't be so harsh -- to each their own. If a couple wants to explore their sexuality with new partners or cultivate a new sensuality, so be it. But I've always specified I'm not looking for a three-way, "forbidden fruit" kind of weird experience. However, I still get the odd e-mail propositioning it. I mean, it's flattering for sure, but.... well, see, there's the whole issue of me being THE GAY and your boyfriend being... well, your boyfriend. And, really, it wouldn't be fair of me to step in and steal yet another girlfriend away from a guy. It's just not polite. (/Ego trip)

3. The Camera-Play Queer Gal: She is the girl whose lookin' for a little private peepshow from the safety of her own home. Again, to each her own  -- dating sites are like an online playground where you can explore the many facets of your desires with (hopefully) like-minded individuals. I'm just not the girl to pursue for this type of online activity. I mean, I already have issues when it comes to sending e-mails back and forth for too long, so a camera would just add a new level of frustration for me. Granted, the women who have propositioned me for this have been the most polite women I encounter. Heck, they'll even respond to the e-mails I send where I decline their offer. I don't quite understand the lure myself, but I can't knock it.

 

4. The Mrs. Robinson: She is the older, more sophisticated woman who has less experience with dating queer women than you have. Now, I think I've made it quite clear that I am still a relative newbie to the world of The Gay -- I mean, I've been out and involved in the community to some degree since I was 18, so I'm still in a good place. But, I have noticed a general trend -- I tend to attract the older ladies. And, by older, I mean the women who can call themselves "Zoomers." Now, I don't want to badmouth or denigrate the women of this crowd because, hey, coming out at any age is difficult and forging those first few connections are vital. I just find it a tad depressing when the girls in my age group are not the least bit interested in me while the older women are all up on's. I think the issue here stems from the fact that the majority of the Mrs. Robinsons are still married to men while on these dating sites, most of whom are experimenting without their husband's knowledge. Not cool.

5. The "Dislikes" Dyke: She's the girl who provides ample coverage of her disinterests and gets her hate on without ever providing a glimpse of the activities or hobbies she enjoys. Does she have a favourite film? Does she prefer pop-rock ballads, or maybe a sleek, hip-hop bass line? Maybe she likes polka? Or maybe she aspires to punch a hole through the wall of every library she's ever visited? I can't exactly tell you. All I know is that I can message her ONLY if I don't live outside of her 25 km radius, if I don't drink or smoke, if I don't want kids, if I don't want a sexual encounter only, if I don't want a long term relationship, etc., etc.

6. The "Which One Is She?" Gal: This is the girl who only uses group shots when it comes to profile pictures.... and she never labels which one she IS. And I usually guess wrong. *Readjusts her Gaydar*

7. The Photo Album: She's the girl who can't decide on a handful of professional, airbrushed head shots or shaky, bathroom mirror shots to use..... so she posts THE ARCHIVE. In most cases, the written profile is secondary or non-existent. The Photo Album tends to find her perfect balance with the Profile Stalker and the Favourites-Only Girls, no doubt.

8. The Job Hunter: She is the girl who will switch from a flirtatious, potential date to a ravenous job shark over the course of a single message. When I was last on Plenty of Fish, I was working with an online marketing group as an in-house web content writer. Sounds stunning, but it was decidedly not. Anyhow, I told this one girl about it and her next e-mail read like a cover letter. She launched into a discussion of her CV, her qualifications, and her writing history. Not hot. Nope.

9. The Straight Dude Tryin' To Pass for a Butch Woman: .... Actually, I think that's fairly self-explanatory.... and still confusing as all get out....

***

I feel as though I've only just scratched the surface of these Minor Archetypes. I need to cut myself off for the evening, though. I've already been at my desk for about two hours just brainstorming various behaviours I've encountered. I know I'm guilty of a few of the Major traits, but the Minor ones... wow. I never cease to be amazed.

Please feel free to add your own to the list -- perhaps we could build our own survival guide to the online dating world. For now, I am off to a well-deserved rest after an epic evening of anthropological pursuits.

One Last Major Archetype

I had an epiphany moment on Friday -- there is a seventh major archetype for the online dating community to bemoan. I was surprised once I realised my omission of this character from our on-going list -- so, if you would please return to page 20 with a Sharpie marker in tow, I would like you to add the Seventh Archetype to your textbook:

7. The Profile Stalker: You will notice this girl is a regular fixture on your profile, however, she will never send you a personal e-mail and will never respond to any of your messages. This online dater shares numerous traits with the Favourites-Only Girl, the most noticeable being their shared passive-aggressiveness. I would argue that the Profile Stalker displays a more developed form of non-committal flirtation, one that most online users would not even notice. I cannot stress how common this individual is when it comes to my own experiences. On sites like Plenty of Fish, users are able to see recent visitors to their profile. Most sites will rank these individuals in chronological order -- if a user viewed your profile within the last few hours, her picture will be at the top of the page. If she visited your page earlier in the week and never returned, her image will appear at the bottom of the list. The Profile Stalker will ALWAYS remain at the top of said list. Weeks will pass and her icon will never leave the first, second, or third spot. 

And she will never message you. Ever. 

***

Right, I do believe we're all caught up on the major archetypes of online dating. I apologize for my absence from Friday's lecture -- I was called away for a mock bridal shower hosted for two lovely ladies who pledged their undying friendship to one another. Will definitely have to update further. For now, I will let you all review the current material and I will continue tomorrow evening with the minor archetypes and all their confusing online behaviours. 

Psychology's a lovely thing, ain't it?

Archetypes of Online Dating

Here it is -- an anthropological dissection of online dating culture, particularly the scene as created on Plenty of Fish. I have studied the bizarre, inexplicable behaviour of countless potential daters and I have developed a list of archetypes for your perusal (since, you know... that's what normal people do).

Our first chapter will deal with the most predominant characteristics as witnessed through the individual dating experience of Miz Moffatt. 

There are six general categories of behvaiour that numerous online users engage in -- some are purists to one form of (anti)-social interaction while others borrow liberally from various categories.

Please open your text to page 20 and we will review the list:

1. The "Favourites-Only" Girl: This girl provides you with passive-aggressive hints that she is interested in your profile, however, she will never pursue you. While I still had my profile up over the winter, I had a stunning femme woman add me to her favourites list. I was over the moon, let me tell you. Now, I know some ladies like to be coy and flirty without making the official first move -- and yes, I respond quite well to this tactic. I messaged her and waited... and waited... and proceeded to wait some more. Why would you deem a girl fit enough for your favourites list if you have no intention to speak to her? It's quite confusing to the so-called "favourite."

2. The No Photo/No Profile Girl: She will offer minimal conversation starters and withhold images of herself.... and still expect the two of you to connect. I completely understand the decision to exclude a photo from an online dating profile. For the girls still in the closet but still wanting to meet gay girls, it can inspire greater confidence to omit a photo. And you never know who's checking profiles -- I wouldn't have wanted someone I casually know to out me simply because they found me on a dating site. But, if you're not putting a photo up, you NEED to give written details for the profile. Serious. It's hard to start talking to someone who won't provide any immediate conversation starters. It'd be like trying to chat up a girl who was wearing a bag over her head and would only answer with monosyllabic words. It's a little tricky.

3. The Last Impressionist: She is the girl whose first impression on you will also be the last. This is one of the more creative archetypes in the sense that a last impression can mean something different to each person. The trigger for a LAST impression is a flexible category and not all daters will respond in the same way. In my case, I once had a No Photo/No Profile girl who actually messaged me to say, "Ur cute. Gimme ur MSN." No. No I will not. Please type full sentences. 

4. The A.S.S. (Abrasive, Suspicious Sistah): This is the girl who either insults parts of your profile or doubts the content of your profile and feels the urge to write to you about it. Insulting Doctor Who/calling me a nerd in a derogatory way is not endearing (and is horribly misguided since Doctor Who is AMAZING). In addition, I don't take kindly to women believing I've lied about my age, whether for older or younger. I am 23. 23. And no, I will not scan and post my birth certificate to prove that to you.

5. The "E-mails Only" Girl: You will never meet this girl despite the fact you have written reams and reams of online prose and personal, heartfelt details to her. You will know every small detail about her and you will never hear her voice. Not once. I like writing, I don't think that's a secret. But sometimes, the e-mails go on a little too long and enter that awkward zone of "uh.... we're still going to meet.... right?" I want to meet you, lovely lady -- no need to be shy. You have proven your command of the written word and I like! I LIKE!

6. The Disappearing Act: She is quite possibly the most heartbreaking of all the major archetypes within the online dating scene. She's articulate, she's gorgeous, and she messages YOU FIRST. You respond and provide excellent prompts for further conversation topics.... but the second e-mail never comes. I know you can never anticipate someone else's reaction to a response, but it has happened SO consistently and strangely that I'm beginning to hypothesize about the probable vortex that exists between my account and the inboxes of various women on these sites.... or the gremlins that feed off flirtatious messages... hmm, yes.

Tomorrow, we'll cover some of the minor archetypes of online dating. It's a wide world out there and there are numerous forms of crazy we haven't even begun to research yet. Do stay tuned.

The Wide World of DATING

... I can feel it happening again.... it's that quiet tugging at the back of my mind when the autumn is reaching its colder points.... it's that vague, half-wondering state over the cause(s) of my singledom... I can almost hear the Siren song of Plenty of Fish and all its potential dating connections....

Yes, I've been pondering this matter for a number of weeks now. Ship Sharp and The Aussie have been apartment hunting together; My Advocate dove into the world of online dating and is frolicking among the avalanche of e-mails she's received; and one of my favourite bloggers, Ferry Tales, has been debating the same issues raised by PoF that I've been concerned about, too...

Girl, I need to get a date.

I swear, it must be a condition of winter -- the need to date is all mixed in with that need to eat hearty meals and hibernate/curl up in the warmth of a fleece blanket. We're all getting cozy as the cold sets in and that cuddling sort of vibe --> DATING. (This is a part of the reason why us Canadians are just so lovable -- because WE ARE COLD. ALL THE TIME.)

Serious though, I am still such an amateur at this whole dating game. I mean, don't get me wrong -- I am AWESOME when it comes to first dates. Like, freakishly so. I'm good with small talk, so it's never an issue. But, second dates...... well. That's a whole different breed, that one.

One of the main reasons I pushed dating to the background had to do with my "pre-Out" days -- I knew it wasn't fair to A) See someone behind my parents' backs and B) Force a girl to closet herself in order to date the still-closeted me. 

But, I'm out now. It's a whole new state of being for me. The former excuses have dissipated and, well.... um, I'm.. still...single -- Granted, I know these things take time to change and blah blah blah, self-enlightenment and other intelligent insights.

It boils down to me being a N00B, with capital zeroes (if that is at all possible in 1337-speak). I've deleted my account at PoF twice in 2009 alone. Hmm, I should probably dedicate a post to the dating issues I've encountered. I'm curious to know how many other ladies out there have come across these same problems, both online and in person. We can compare our battle wounds, what say you?

But yes, definitely debating a brash comeback to the deep end of the dating pool. Time to polish up that weathered profile and dive on in... though a helmet might be in order, just in case I hit the ocean floor once again.