Online Dating: The Minor Archetypes

Welcome to the second chapter in our on-going evaluation of online dating behaviours: Minor Archetypes. Though the minor archetypes appear with less frequency across the diverse terrain of online dating, their focus remains the same -- to divert you from the ultimate goal of finding a gorgeous, thoughtful woman to connect with.

Over the last two posts, we reviewed the Seven Major Archetypes and their distinct patterns of online activities. From the passive-aggressive tactics of the Profile Stalker to the inexplainable anger of the A.S.S., we have covered the board when it comes to prominent personalities across all dating platforms.

But what of the lesser-known and the more obscure daters?

It would be impossible for me to document each and every bizarre behavioural occurrence that presents itself within the realm of online dating. The one rule of Minor Archetypes is: There is no end in sight. The list is an exhaustive one. We each have our own ticks, foibles, and general oddities -- this is what lends a kind of substance to this new realm of disembodied flirtation. 

What I would like to provide tonight is a quick glance at my own experiences and allow a space for you to comment, critique, and even add a few of your own characters to the mix. 

So, if you will please turn to page 30, we will delve into the world(s) of the Minor Archetypes.

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1. The "Just Lookin' For Girl Friends, Not Girlfriends" Straight Gal: She is that smokin' hot lady with the desexualised profile. I believe the better term for this archetype is "tragic." It was a tough call as to whether this online character constitutes a Major or Minor figure since she appears quite often. Regardless, I cannot count the number of times I have clicked on the image of a potential date only to discover her interests are set to "kill" -- I mean, "friends." She's the girl on the dating site looking for a nice, new gal to pal around with. She indicates she's a Woman Looking For A Woman but not, like, a woman. And if you should stumble onto her profile, be prepared to receive the "thanks for checking me out, but I'm not looking to DATE a girl" message. Whether you intended to e-mail her or not (I'm thinkin' most of you probably wouldn't go there), she will message you without fail. Oh well, I suppose it fills the inbox after the Favorites-Only, Profile Stalkers, and Disappearing Acts have swept through.

2. The Cute, Candid Woman and-- Hey, Wait a Minute, Does She Have a Boyfriend?! (aka. The Bi-Curious Couple): She is the blossoming bisexual or bi-curious girl whose got a little extra baggage when it comes to the profile scene. I know, I shouldn't be so harsh -- to each their own. If a couple wants to explore their sexuality with new partners or cultivate a new sensuality, so be it. But I've always specified I'm not looking for a three-way, "forbidden fruit" kind of weird experience. However, I still get the odd e-mail propositioning it. I mean, it's flattering for sure, but.... well, see, there's the whole issue of me being THE GAY and your boyfriend being... well, your boyfriend. And, really, it wouldn't be fair of me to step in and steal yet another girlfriend away from a guy. It's just not polite. (/Ego trip)

3. The Camera-Play Queer Gal: She is the girl whose lookin' for a little private peepshow from the safety of her own home. Again, to each her own  -- dating sites are like an online playground where you can explore the many facets of your desires with (hopefully) like-minded individuals. I'm just not the girl to pursue for this type of online activity. I mean, I already have issues when it comes to sending e-mails back and forth for too long, so a camera would just add a new level of frustration for me. Granted, the women who have propositioned me for this have been the most polite women I encounter. Heck, they'll even respond to the e-mails I send where I decline their offer. I don't quite understand the lure myself, but I can't knock it.

 

4. The Mrs. Robinson: She is the older, more sophisticated woman who has less experience with dating queer women than you have. Now, I think I've made it quite clear that I am still a relative newbie to the world of The Gay -- I mean, I've been out and involved in the community to some degree since I was 18, so I'm still in a good place. But, I have noticed a general trend -- I tend to attract the older ladies. And, by older, I mean the women who can call themselves "Zoomers." Now, I don't want to badmouth or denigrate the women of this crowd because, hey, coming out at any age is difficult and forging those first few connections are vital. I just find it a tad depressing when the girls in my age group are not the least bit interested in me while the older women are all up on's. I think the issue here stems from the fact that the majority of the Mrs. Robinsons are still married to men while on these dating sites, most of whom are experimenting without their husband's knowledge. Not cool.

5. The "Dislikes" Dyke: She's the girl who provides ample coverage of her disinterests and gets her hate on without ever providing a glimpse of the activities or hobbies she enjoys. Does she have a favourite film? Does she prefer pop-rock ballads, or maybe a sleek, hip-hop bass line? Maybe she likes polka? Or maybe she aspires to punch a hole through the wall of every library she's ever visited? I can't exactly tell you. All I know is that I can message her ONLY if I don't live outside of her 25 km radius, if I don't drink or smoke, if I don't want kids, if I don't want a sexual encounter only, if I don't want a long term relationship, etc., etc.

6. The "Which One Is She?" Gal: This is the girl who only uses group shots when it comes to profile pictures.... and she never labels which one she IS. And I usually guess wrong. *Readjusts her Gaydar*

7. The Photo Album: She's the girl who can't decide on a handful of professional, airbrushed head shots or shaky, bathroom mirror shots to use..... so she posts THE ARCHIVE. In most cases, the written profile is secondary or non-existent. The Photo Album tends to find her perfect balance with the Profile Stalker and the Favourites-Only Girls, no doubt.

8. The Job Hunter: She is the girl who will switch from a flirtatious, potential date to a ravenous job shark over the course of a single message. When I was last on Plenty of Fish, I was working with an online marketing group as an in-house web content writer. Sounds stunning, but it was decidedly not. Anyhow, I told this one girl about it and her next e-mail read like a cover letter. She launched into a discussion of her CV, her qualifications, and her writing history. Not hot. Nope.

9. The Straight Dude Tryin' To Pass for a Butch Woman: .... Actually, I think that's fairly self-explanatory.... and still confusing as all get out....

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I feel as though I've only just scratched the surface of these Minor Archetypes. I need to cut myself off for the evening, though. I've already been at my desk for about two hours just brainstorming various behaviours I've encountered. I know I'm guilty of a few of the Major traits, but the Minor ones... wow. I never cease to be amazed.

Please feel free to add your own to the list -- perhaps we could build our own survival guide to the online dating world. For now, I am off to a well-deserved rest after an epic evening of anthropological pursuits.