I'M OUT! I'M IN!

"I'M OUT! I'M IN!".... Or some other hilarious lyrics quoted from a song I wrote with a friend in high school. 

Serious, though -- it's the obligatory "coming out" post that I am now dedicating to this blog. I know, I know... I can sense the eyes rolling from where I type.

"Why does every queer blog have to dredge up the past and play it out in another dull coming out story?"

I, for one, think the process/adventure/occasional nightmare is a valuable one. While the knowledge that my life will consist of a perpetual "coming  out" is.... well, daunting at best, I am aware that the constant construction/rearrangement of this particular tale is one of the foundational parts of me (and, I think it might just be one of those core pieces of yourself, too).

I currently straddle the lines between "out" and "in," a position I'm aiming to change in the next-to-near future.

While I was fulfilling my four years as a plucky undergrad, I was out. SO out. In fact, it was in my first year of university that I even named myself to other people. I can still remember O-Week and all the pink triangles and chalk rainbows that led me to a Queer Equality picnic held at one of the most public places on campus. Hoo, was THAT ever a nerve-wracking experience.

I think the defining moment for me was the first CampOut meeting I ever attended and - LO! The topic: Coming out. Imagine it -- a trembling, little 18-year-old clutching the sides of her chair and saying, "Hi, um.... my name is (Miz Moffatt) and...... well, this is my coming out." I was met with such overwhelming support (which is none too surprising, considering the crowd). Can you imagine? The first people I came out to were complete strangers. I needed to find definite support before I would even risk telling the people closest to me.

Now, the tally is still a modest one:

• Ian, Colin, and Andrew: The gents I lived with while at school 
• Chantal: My best friend from high school
• My sister .... though we never, EVER discuss it

Alas -- I'm still rather "in" by most standards, I'd imagine. I'm not out to the majority of my high school friends, my brother, or my parents. As odd as it might sound, I almost feel that it.... devalues me. I've come across such a large number of women who wouldn't even cast me a second glance if they knew I wasn't out to my parents. I can understand the hesitation there, though -- coming out is quite enough stress on its own, let alone going through it with someone else. Still, it's worrisome to feel this kind of pressure from the queer community to out yourself even while it might contradict your current social situation.

Ah, but this is a common thread in most personal stories, isn't it? 

I find myself daydreaming of the time when I can relax my concerns and walk about with a shrug and a smile close at hand.

.... Though, I think the particularly dyke-ish poem I showed around during first year (including to my parents) has probably paved most of the way for me....... that could also explain why no one has been surprised after I came out to them yet.... *Ponders this*

Green Awareness and Bachelorettes... Just Another Saturday, Really...

Another unusual weekend. How so?

I was ~Ms. Socialite~ around Toronto on Saturday. (And yes, those squiggles are entirely necessary).

It's true -- I fled from the tedious, mediocre wasteland of the suburbs to discover a few pearls of delight throughout the city. I tell you, despite the prices of public transit (I'm lookin' at you, GO Train), it's undeniable that cities are far cooler than.... well, everywhere. Especially suburbs.

Anyway, on to the good stuff!

***

First off, I went with my Mom and sister to the 3rd Annual Green Living Show over at the Direct Energy Centre. With the DVP closed for the weekend, an overwhelming collection of traffic accidents blocking our path, and a police situation involving a SWAT team at a bridge over the Gardiner.... I was surprised we even reached our destination. Oh, Lake Shore -- you are our protector, it would appear. How else would we arrive at the Show in one piece?

I have the unique privilege of being in a position to compare all three Green Living Shows since... well, since I attended them all. I'm disappointed to say that this year was.... significantly lacking. In numerous ways. For example:

2007: "Sweet -- check out all these vegetarian booths! I could actually order lunch here if I wanted to. Oh.... oh wow, there are a lot of hot girls here. Like... A LOT. Huh.... so.... Eco-consciousness + vegetarian food stalls = HOT GIRLS. OhmygoodnessIneedtocomenextyear."

2008: "Can't... focus.... hotness.... everywhere..... bakery girls..... girls selling organic heirloom tomatoes.... World Wildlife Federation girls..... girls dressed as Newsies....?"

2009: "Huh. So. Families. And yogurt samples. NOT. IMPRESSED."

... I'm not even exaggerating on the yogurt, either. That was the extent of the food stalls. Oh, and cheese. So, milk products were a solid fixture this time around. 

AND WHERE WERE THE HOT, ECO GIRLS?! Pfft. I want my $12 back, please.

***

Despite the disappointment of the 2009 Green Living Show, I still had another event to attend that far surpassed the morning. The Fly By Night Theatre Company hosted their Seeds of Love Fundraiser at Tranzac Club (292 Brunswick Ave.) Despite the torrential rains and the epic thunderstorm, I still trekked in to Toronto for the festivities. One of my close friends organized the event -- FBN is a non-profit group that uses their art to raise funds for the Royal Seed Needy Home orphanage in Ghana. That being said, this was no ordinary fundraising event, let me tell you.

I arrived late, as predicted. *Gives cut eye to GO Train* At that point, the first Dirty Bingo round was already underway. Chris won a monstrous bag of condoms, Carrie won a small library of straight and queer erotica, and some other folks walked away with a dildo, some classic porn flicks, and other various sex-related goodies.

But really, I was there for the auction.

10 bachelorettes, 10 bachelors -- ONE AUCTION. I bought a date with C1, a close friend and my self-proclaimed "twin" from my high school days. I would also like to add that I was the only girl to purchase a date with a gal. *Snap snap* Mmm hmm. Gotta represent for the lesbian and bi girls out there, right? ;)

I bought C1 a drink and we got the chance to catch-up over a small box of sweets. I tell you, it's been far too long since she and I sat down and gossiped like that. We used to have a notebook in high school where we scribbled notes back and forth to each other between classes -- it felt almost like we'd been transported back to our 14-year-old selves which was entirely nostalgic and refreshing all at the same time.

After that, everyone took to the dance floor while The Melodies cranked out some classic rock favorites. Um, hi -- can we say Dusty Springfield's "Son of a Preacher Man"? I flipped out after hearing those first few notes, not gonna lie.

As I was leaving, C1 gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me I was an awesome date. It's been far too long since I've been on a date, so I can't even explain how that compliment boosted my self-confidence. Aww, non-biological twins are the greatest, aren't they? ;) :p

***

Soon to come: Background tales! New formats! PHOTOS OF LOVELY LADIES! Please, do stay tuned. ;)

Introductions

I collect odd quotes everywhere I go.

I love reading books centred on anti-heroes.

I believe everyone looks gorgeous in black and white photography.

I am drawn to Bleeding Hearts (the flower), Victorian-style clothes, and antique keys.

I can think of nothing that could make me happier than finding a note for me on my door/in my room/anywhere I will be that someone knows I will find it.

I get annoyed when people squeeze tubes right at the middle.

I get nervous if objects like pens are pointing at me, even if they're resting on a table.

I drink ice cold water so I can feel it trickle all the way down through my chest.

I get the inspiration for stories/poems/scripts right at the moment when I am drifting into dreams; I force myself to wake up and write everything down before sleeping.

I practice conversations when I'm by myself, either by editing ones I've had or inventing ones I wish I'd had.

I have the urge to push down the tabs of fountain drinks from fast food places, even if the tabs aren't mine.

I enjoy eating the ends of bread loaves the most.

I am a vegetarian who eats entirely too much chocolate.

I talk during movies because I can't keep my corny jokes or weird observations to myself.

I like to think we live many lives at once, almost all of which are played out when our strongest identity is fast asleep.

... Oh, right! And, most importantly (at least for the sake of this blog), I am also a woman who loves women.

So, here I am.

And there you are.

Welcome to Queer in Canada!